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TPO16-Q1: If you could have any jobs or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Give specific details to explain your response. v.1

TPO16-Q1: If you could have any jobs or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Give specific details to explain your response. v. 1
Money is considered by many to be one of the most important contributing factors towards happiness. While I understand having material wealth could make one’s life easier. However, there are also other factors that could bring joy and fulfilment. Money could increase happiness when used to meet basic needs. (and health for people affected by poverty. ) Money is a powerful universal tool that helps people access to health care, nutritious foods, and a home where people feel safe can improve mental and physical health and thus leading to increased happiness. Besides, for wealthy people, money makes them have more control over their life choices and have more freedom to say no to things they do not want to do. Being the boss of one’s own life could bring a sense of security and satisfaction. However, there are other factors contributing to happiness. Research shows that living a purposeful and meaningful life makes people feel happy. For example, volunteers who work around-the-clock during the coronavirus pandemic to save lives may be rewarded with only a little money, but helping people and doing the job they are good at, brings happiness and fulfilment. Furthermore, it is believed by many that exercise could bring short-term happiness. Exercise can release endorphins, which increase people’s feelings of happiness, and it also helps people feel more confident or comfortable in one’s own skin. In conclusion, people could find happiness in money to an extent, but beyond that, people could also find happiness through other non-financial means, such as doing meaningful work or living a healthy lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
to be one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
contributing factors towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
I understand having material wealth could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
easier.
However
, there are
also
other factors that could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
joy and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.

Money could increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
basic needs. (and health for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by poverty.
Loose punctuation mark.
)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is a powerful universal tool that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
access to health care, nutritious foods, and a home where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel safe can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mental and physical health and
thus
leading to increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Besides
, for wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them have more control over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
choices and have more freedom to say no to things they do not want to do. Being the boss of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
a sense of security and satisfaction.

However
, there are other factors contributing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that living a purposeful and meaningful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel happy.
For example
, volunteers who work around-the-clock during the coronavirus pandemic to save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
may
be rewarded
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and doing the job they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.
Furthermore
, it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that exercise could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
short-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Exercise can release endorphins, which increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
feelings of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, and it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel more confident or comfortable in one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
skin.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to an extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
beyond that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
also
find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
through other non-financial means, such as doing meaningful work or living a healthy lifestyle.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO16-Q1: If you could have any jobs or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Give specific details to explain your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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