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TPO16(Q1) If you could have any job or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Give specific details to explain your response. v.1

TPO16(Q1) If you could have any job or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Give specific details to explain your response. v. 1
During the past few years, we have seen a rapid increase in tourism across the globe. People are now willing to visit new places and exploring the untouched areas. Most of the people call it adventure, but sometimes these adventures cost lives as well. Visiting such places has both the advantages and disadvantages. The trend of visiting new places has increased due to globalization. The first advantage is the monetary benefit. It is done by those who are daring and courageous to risk their life and receive huge perks for visiting such places. For example, Tourists get highly paid in the shape of sponsorships and media coverage while visiting such places. National Geographic telecast their programs by exploring untouched areas and give high packages to those who are willing to take risks. Similarly, we have bloggers on the internet passionate to explore new horizons and increase their fan base. The disadvantages of such places are risk of life and availability of basic facilities. The risk of life has been always there while visiting such places. For example, The London Times published the article in which they mentioned that, in Antarctic Ocean the level of oxygen drops nearly to zero every winter. Moreover, if the proper gadgets are not available, then your life is in danger. Similarly, at Sahara desert we have the hottest weather with scarcity of basic facilities. Visiting these areas are extremely dangerous and life threatening. To conclude, we must say that exploring the new places have both the advantages and disadvantages. Though, it can only be done by those who have will accept the challenges and without considering the threats they go for discovery. As it is rightly said that, the sky is the limit.
During the past few years, we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a rapid increase in tourism across the globe.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
willing to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
and exploring the untouched areas. Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
call it adventure,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
these adventures cost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as well
. Visiting such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
has both the advantages and disadvantages.

The trend of visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
has increased due to globalization. The
first
advantage is the monetary benefit. It
is done
by those who are daring and courageous to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
and receive huge perks for visiting such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
For example
, Tourists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
highly
paid in the shape of sponsorships and media coverage while visiting such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. National Geographic telecast their programs by exploring untouched areas and give high packages to those who are willing to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
.
Similarly
, we have bloggers on the internet passionate to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
horizons and increase their fan base.

The disadvantages of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and availability of basic facilities. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has been always there while visiting such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
For example
, The London Times published the article in which they mentioned that, in Antarctic Ocean the level of oxygen drops
nearly
to zero every winter.
Moreover
, if the proper gadgets are not available, then your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
.
Similarly
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "at the Sahara desert".
at Sahara desert
we have the hottest weather with scarcity of basic facilities. Visiting these areas are
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
threatening.

To conclude
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say that exploring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
have both the advantages and disadvantages. Though, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be done
by those who have will accept the challenges and without considering the threats they go for discovery. As it is
rightly
said that, the sky is the limit.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO16(Q1) If you could have any job or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Give specific details to explain your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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