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If a product is sold and people buy it then advertising is not necessary and can be considered a kind of entertainment Do you agree or disagree with this v.7

If a product is sold and people buy it then advertising is not necessary and can be considered a kind of entertainment with this v. 7
Some would argue that despite responsibility, adulthood brings more joy in one’s life. Others believe that people enjoy the most in their life when they are adolescence and I agree with them because when people are young they are free of responsibility and able to do anything they want. On the one hand, some would say that in adulthood, a person becomes successful and he does not have to anxious about their future. And Specially when people see their children growing and becoming successful in their career and then getting married is the most happiest time of one’s life and that is why most of the people in enjoy life in their adulthood as compared to teenage life. For example, a recent survey of the University of Karachi found that 66% of the people are satisfied with life in their adulthood. Nevertheless, it is not necessary that everyone becomes successful in their old age life. On the other hand, people believe that teenage life is the best part of the life because there are no burdens on their shoulders. Moreover, everything looks so attractive because most of the things they are doing for the first time in their lives and they do not have to think about that there are dependent whom they have to feed. In addition to, chances are more to become successful in young life because they just have to think about their career. For instance, Mark Zuckerberg the founder of The Facebook became successful when he was adolescent. However, their whole future is dependent on the courses they choose in their teenage life, thus, they have to choose that carefully. In conclusion, although many say that old age life makes the people more happy because of their success, I believe teenage life is the part of life that brings unforgetable moments in one’s life because one does not need to care about many things but own-self.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that despite responsibility, adulthood brings more joy in one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy the most in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
when they are adolescence and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are young they are free of responsibility and able to do anything they want.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
would say that in adulthood, a person becomes
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
successful and
he does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
anxious about their future. And
Specially
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their children growing and becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in their career and then getting married is the
Use only "happiest" (without 'most') when you use the superlative.
most happiest
time of one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
that is
why most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in their adulthood as compared to teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, a recent survey of the University of Karachi found that 66% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are satisfied
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in their adulthood.
Nevertheless
, it is not necessary that everyone becomes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age life.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is the best part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are no burdens on their shoulders.
Moreover
, everything looks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
attractive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the things they are doing for the
first
time in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lives and
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about that there are dependent whom they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
feed.
In addition
to, chances are more to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their career.
For instance
, Mark Zuckerberg the founder of The Facebook became
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
when he was adolescent.
However
, their whole future is dependent on the courses they choose in their teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
thus
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
choose that
carefully
.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
say that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their success, I believe teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is the part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that brings
Possible spelling mistake found.
unforgetable
moments in one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one does not need to care about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
-self.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay If a product is sold and people buy it then advertising is not necessary and can be considered a kind of entertainment with this v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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