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IELTS EssayTopic - Nowadays, more and more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? Kindly Evaluate and help me in understanding IELTS estimated band score for my writing. v.2

IELTS EssayTopic - Nowadays, more and more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? Kindly Evaluate and help me in understanding IELTS estimated band score for my writing. v. 2
Kindly Evaluate and help me in understanding IELTS General estimated band score for my writing. An increased number of people are preferring to meet their friends and family online instead of in person. In my opinion, this is creating a detrimental effect on individual reading them to seclusion, and serious health and social issues. Firstly, social media creates a hallucinogenic virtual world, which harbingers isolation and self-centeredness. Before the rise of social networking, people used to meet others face to face which brought them joy, and feeling of belonging and wanted. But now, with no real human interaction people are leading themselves to a fake life which is showcased online as a perfect life, consequently making them envy of others and often leading to depression. Secondly, socialising online has resulted into serious health issues that is caused mainly due to sedentary lifestyle that follows. For instance, people choose to stay at home and chat online, confining themselves into rooms instead of indulging with people outside for a sport or a walk, which results into little or no exercise. For this reason, there is an increse in health issues such as obesity and cardiac problems. Finally, choosing to socialize online is the reason for increased cyber crime rate. Admittedly, people ofter register themselves under fake identities to lure people, especially teenagers who are naive and immature, into sexual or monitoring favours. Additionally, if someone shares some personal photos or information online, it is present there for everyone' s access for lifetime and can be missused anytime which can lead to embarrasment. To conclude, socialising online has various drawbacks which has damaging effects on one' s physical and psychological health, also at harbingers increasing social crimes.
Kindly Evaluate and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me in understanding IELTS General estimated band score for my writing.

An increased number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are preferring
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their friends and family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
instead
of in person. In my opinion, this is creating a detrimental effect on individual reading them to seclusion, and serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
issues.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media creates a hallucinogenic virtual world, which harbingers isolation and
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-centeredness
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
the rise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
others face to face which brought them joy, and feeling of belonging and wanted.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, with no real human interaction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are leading themselves to a fake life which
is showcased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
as a perfect life,
consequently
making them envy of others and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leading to depression.

Secondly
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
has resulted into serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues that
is caused
mainly
due to sedentary lifestyle that follows.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to stay at home and chat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, confining themselves into rooms
instead
of indulging with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
outside for a sport or a walk, which results into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no exercise.
For this reason
, there is an
Possible spelling mistake found.
increse
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues such as obesity and cardiac problems.

Finally
, choosing to
Do not mix variants of the same word ('socialize' and 'socialise') within a single text.
socialize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is the reason for increased cyber crime rate.
Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
ofter
register themselves under fake identities to lure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who are naive and immature, into sexual or monitoring
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
.
Additionally
, if someone shares
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
personal photos or information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, it is present there for
Possible spelling mistake found.
everyone&
#039; s access for lifetime and can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
missused
anytime which can lead to
Possible spelling mistake found.
embarrasment
.

To conclude
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
has various drawbacks which has damaging effects on
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s physical and psychological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
also
at harbingers increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
crimes.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay IELTS EssayTopic - Nowadays, more and more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? Kindly Evaluate and help me in understanding IELTS estimated band score for my writing. v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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