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How does the information in the listening passage supplement what is explained in the reading passage? v.1

How does the information in the listening passage supplement what is explained in the reading passage? v. 1
There has been a difference of opinion regarding the merits of continuing a higher education as people believe that is better to get a job straight after school. I would argue that are more benefits in going to college or university. The option to start a work immediately is attractive for several reasons. The access to have an independent lifestyle as long as younger people start earning money, a wider range of possibilities come with it. In this way, they will be able to afford their own apartment or start a new family. In terms of their career, getting a job brings the opportunity to gain experience in specific fields. Indeed, spend time working in a real industry and sharing different points of views with co-workers and bosses, gives an invaluable knowledge about the process. Despite the arguments mentioned above, I believe that is more beneficial for students to continue their studies. Firstly, academic qualifications are required in the majority of professions. For example, it is impossible to become a doctor, teacher or lawyer without having a degree. As a result, nowadays a large number of industries and hospitals are only hiring people who have a bachelor degree or higher. Secondly, in recent years, the job market is becoming more competitive and sometimes there are hundred of applicants for one position in a company. Subsequently, young people who do not have a degree will not be able to compete and without a job is more difficult to continue growing in a career. By way of conclusion, I believe that students will be more successful in their lives if they continue their studies beyond school level.
There has been a difference of opinion regarding the merits of continuing a higher education as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe
that is
better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
straight after school. I would argue that are more benefits in going to college or university.

The option to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a work immediately is attractive for several reasons. The access to have an independent lifestyle as long as younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earning money, a wider range of possibilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with it. In this way, they will be able to afford their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
apartment or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a new family. In terms of their career, getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
brings the opportunity to gain experience in specific fields.
Indeed
, spend time working in a real industry and sharing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
points of views with co-workers and bosses, gives an invaluable knowledge about the process.

Despite the arguments mentioned above, I believe
that is
more beneficial for students to continue their studies.
Firstly
, academic qualifications
are required
in the majority of professions.
For example
, it is impossible to become a doctor, teacher or lawyer without having a degree.
As a result
, nowadays
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
industries and hospitals are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have a bachelor degree or higher.
Secondly
, in recent years, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market is becoming more competitive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
there are
Use "a hundred" or use a number before 'hundred'.
hundred
of applicants for one position in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Subsequently
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not have a degree will not be able to compete and without a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is more difficult to continue growing in a career.

By way of conclusion, I believe that students will be more successful in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if they continue their studies beyond school level.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay How does the information in the listening passage supplement what is explained in the reading passage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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