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How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasonsand specific examples to support your answer. v.2

How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasonsand specific examples to support your answer. v. 2
Over the years, there has been a tremendous increase in the rate at which criminal activities are being infiltrated. Although it is believed by some people that the ultimate penalty for such offences should be death, others think that the government should inculcate other means of punishment. In my opinion, I agree with the former assertion as this would help put criminals in check. On the one hand, it is believed that a death penalty should be awarded to all offenders because it will reduce criminal activities and I agree. This is because it will limit the number of such crimes being committed. Also, punishments like this will serve as a warning to other intending perpetrators to desist from such practices. To illustrate, ever since the Iraqi government slated the death penalty for all crimes, the crime rate dropped from fifty percent to fifteen per cent within a space of two years. This reemphasizes the need for such laws in order to maintain peace in the land. On the other hand, the government should have a fairer system such as the rehabilitation of criminals as not all criminals deserve to be killed. Community services, rehabilitating criminals are few methods that the state can uphold in order to punish them. This not only helps foster a more balanced judiciary system, but also goes a long way in reforming the offenders and getting back on their feet. A good example of such measures is the introduction of community services for milder offences by the Lagos State government. Not only did this help keep the state sane, but it also helped in rebuilding the lives of such criminals. To conclude, while it is advised by some to give a more lenient punishment for certain crimes, it is highly essential to award a death penalty as this will help reduce the crime rate. I, therefore, believe that the reward for all crimes should be death, as this will help breed a safer community devoid of crime and offenders.
Over the years, there has been a tremendous increase in the rate at which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities are
being infiltrated
. Although it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that the ultimate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
penalty
for such
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
should be death, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should inculcate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means of punishment. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former assertion as this would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
.

On the one hand, it
is believed
that a death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
penalty
should
be awarded
to all offenders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will limit the number of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
being committed
.
Also
, punishments like this will serve as a warning to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
intending perpetrators to desist from such practices. To illustrate, ever since the Iraqi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
slated the death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
penalty
for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate dropped from fifty percent to fifteen per cent within a space of two years. This reemphasizes the need for such laws in order to maintain peace in the land.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should have a fairer system such as the rehabilitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
as not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
deserve to
be killed
. Community services, rehabilitating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are few methods that the state can uphold in order to punish them. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
foster a more balanced judiciary system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
goes a long way in reforming the offenders and getting back on their feet. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of such measures is the introduction of community services for milder
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
by the Lagos State
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
did this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the state sane,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in rebuilding the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of such criminals.

To conclude
, while it
is advised
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to give a more lenient punishment for certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, it is
highly
essential to award a death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
penalty
as this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate. I,
therefore
, believe that the reward for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
should be death, as this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
breed a safer community devoid of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and offenders.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasonsand specific examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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