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Many people think that regions affect successful person. What is your opinion about native region and accomplished person’s influence on the region he belongs to. v.1

Many people think that regions affect successful person. What is your opinion about native region and accomplished person’s influence on the region he belongs to. v. 1
Even though it is taught that by some having the priceless education and health-related services are crucial to provide by their governments, others claim that such onus is on the individuals themselves to save money for their prospective issues. In my opinion, the governments should shoulder the responsibility of funding the medical care and educational career through its taxis. The people are of the opinion that the authorities are in the charge of their societies’ tuition and medical fees on account of people paying extra taxes to their governments so as to the provision of the social care; such as treatment, educating, etc. To clarify more, people of all walks of life, either the poor and the well off, are entitled to take sufficient medical care for their family and sending their offspring to the school without any payments. The opponents of the governmental fund of health care and education think that although the people charge for the taxes, their outlays are based on their income; therefore, it may leave a profound impact on the wealthy peoples’ motivations to strive, when they realize they gain the equal social care versus their payment ratios. To illustrate more, the government of Canada has recently stated that the rate of the capitalist immigrated increase by 12% in 2017 just for the sake of lacking the balance between the revenue and the potential facilities in the future. In conclusion, I opine that the education and healthcare are indeed pivotal in a society. As for, the communities work hard to support their government to guarantee the amelioration of their lives in the future.
Even though
it
is taught
that by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
having the priceless education and health-related services are crucial to provide by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
, others claim that such onus is on the individuals themselves to save money for their prospective issues. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should shoulder the responsibility of funding the medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and educational career through its taxis.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that the authorities are in the charge of their societies’ tuition and medical fees on account of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
paying extra taxes to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
the provision of the social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
; such as treatment, educating, etc. To clarify more,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all walks of life, either the poor and the well off,
are entitled
to take sufficient medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
for their family and sending their offspring to the school without any payments.

The opponents of the governmental fund of health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
charge for the taxes, their outlays
are based
on their income;
therefore
, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a profound impact on the wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
motivations to strive, when they realize they gain the equal social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
versus their payment ratios. To illustrate more, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of Canada has recently stated that the rate of the capitalist immigrated increase by 12% in 2017
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the sake of lacking the balance between the revenue and the potential facilities in the future.

In conclusion
, I opine that the education and healthcare are
indeed
pivotal in a society. As for, the communities work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to support their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to guarantee the amelioration of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in the future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Many people think that regions affect successful person. What is your opinion about native region and accomplished person’s influence on the region he belongs to. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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