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Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? v.2

Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? v. 2
Every country has holidays. If I could create a new holiday it would be "Day of Health". I believe that many countries already have this day, but I think that my day will be more beneficial because it will be celebrated at the beginning of every month. In this essay, I will give the reasons and outline the benefits of this holiday. First of all, to celebrate this day people do not have to go to a restaurant or to a movie, but they will go to the nearest park and celebrate it by walking, jogging, line-skating or bicycling. Some people will go to a fitness centre or a pool. Smoking will be prohibited everywhere on this day. Also, this will be a day of healthy food, fresh squeezed juice and a lot of smiling faces. This day will inspire people with energy for the rest of the month. Second of all, people will be called to use their car as less as possible in order to prevent the air pollution and to keep air fresh. Every car has a large impact on the environment. People often drive their car to the nearest store to buy food when they can spend 5 minutes more and get there by foot or bicycle. Finally, "Day of Health" will help people to relax, to slow down the pace of their life. Life is very stressful these days. People are competing for a better job, companies and countries are competing for a market and business. So, this day will help people to enjoy the moments of their life, to leave their troubles behind and appreciate all they have. In summary, I believe my holiday would make people friendlier, healthier and happier.
Every country has holidays.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
I could create a new holiday it would be
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Day of Health
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
. I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries already have this day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that my day will be more beneficial
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
be celebrated
at the beginning of every month. In this essay, I will give the reasons and outline the benefits of this holiday.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, to celebrate this day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to a restaurant or to a movie,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they will go to the nearest park and celebrate it by walking, jogging, line-skating or bicycling.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will go to a fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
or a pool. Smoking will
be prohibited
everywhere on this day.
Also
, this will be a day of healthy food, fresh squeezed juice and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
smiling faces. This day will inspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with energy for the rest of the month.

Second of all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be called
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their car as
Did you mean "less", "little"?
less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
possible in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the air pollution and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
air fresh. Every car has a large impact on the environment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
drive their car to the nearest store to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
food when they can spend 5 minutes more and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
there by foot or bicycle.

Finally
,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Day of Health
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to relax, to slow down the pace of their life. Life is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
stressful these days.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are competing for a better job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and countries are competing for a market and business.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this day will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enjoy the moments of their life, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their troubles behind and appreciate all they have.

In summary, I believe my holiday would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
friendlier, healthier and happier.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
287 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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