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History tells that people have often thought about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. v.2

History tells that people have often thought about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. v. 2
It is true that studying the past can help us to know more about how nations had been successful in making a perfect community. Although many options can be considered for having an ideal society, I personally believe that having appropriate leaders and equal usage of resources are two important factors. To begin with, in the past, people had numerous challenges to make their country a safer place for living. In many countries, democracy had been the best type of living condition, and voting was the best device for achieving it. However, unfortunately, frauds prohibited them from becoming prosperous in this matter. As a prime example, Iranians participated many times in the national presidential elections to opt their favourable president, but their votes were not counted. Another factor is war. Unpredictably, nations faced sudden battles, affecting their lifestyles. They tried to raise their standard of living by the construction of more industries, schools, houses, and roads, while war destroyed them. In particular, whereas industrialisation had raised the Europeans’ lifestyles, they faced World War II, which demolished their country and millions of lives. From my perspective, for having a perfect community two important factors should not be forgotten. One is the selection of an appropriate leader. Definitely, without having a powerful leadership, nations cannot succeed in critical situations. For instance, a good leader can save thousands of people’s lives during a natural calamity by sending sufficient information to national organisations. Had the government of Nepal had a far more efficient governor, fewer people were died by the Earthquake occurred recently. In addition, socialism is extremely important. All resources should be under control of the community, and citizens, from different social status, must have equal access to all resources, including healthcare, shelter, food, and job. In conclusion, wars and political corruptions are two leading reasons that caused societies to become less prosperous in their way to make a perfect society. I personally think that leadership and having a standard social system can assist communities to overcome their difficulties and make their country a better place for living.
It is true that studying the past can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to know more about how nations had been successful in making a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
options can
be considered
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
an ideal society, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
appropriate leaders and equal usage of resources are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in the past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had numerous challenges to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
a safer place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, democracy had been the best type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
condition, and voting was the best device for achieving it.
However
, unfortunately, frauds prohibited them from becoming prosperous in this matter. As a prime example, Iranians participated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times in the national presidential elections to opt their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
president,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their votes were not counted. Another factor is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
.
Unpredictably
, nations faced sudden battles, affecting their lifestyles. They tried to raise their standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
by the construction of more industries, schools,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, and roads, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
them.
In particular
, whereas
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
had raised the Europeans’ lifestyles, they faced World
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
War
II, which demolished their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

From my perspective, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors should not
be forgotten
. One is the selection of an appropriate leader. Definitely, without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a powerful leadership, nations cannot succeed in critical situations.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
leader can save thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
during a natural calamity by sending sufficient information to national
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. Had the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Nepal had a far more efficient governor, fewer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
by the Earthquake occurred recently.
In addition
, socialism is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. All resources should be under control of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
, and citizens, from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social status,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have equal access to all resources, including healthcare, shelter, food, and job.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wars
and political corruptions are two leading reasons that caused societies to become less prosperous in their way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a perfect society. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that leadership and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a standard social system can assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
to overcome their difficulties and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
a better place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay History tells that people have often thought about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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