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Health condition is the way to influence the behavior of human being? Do you agree with this topic or not v.2

Health condition is the way to influence the behavior of human being? Do you agree with this topic or not v. 2
No doubt, it is admitted that human being is the most appealing creatures in this universe. What I mean by this is that people easily feel the mental oppression when they deem that they are ill even if it is fever. That’s why, it is easily perceived that relation among the human being and health is congruent and most of the time to decipher the human being is quite inferred according to their health problem. In consideration of this view, I wholeheartedly believe the positive response of the above statement. To embark on, every joyous moment of our life is understood by the symptoms of our health. If our health is full functioned and there are no hazards, in that moment, we especially enjoy those moments in an innumerable merriment which can’t be depicted in one a sentence. For instance, my friend has been shivering since 13th March and his condition is so feeble that he is in great trap. Just couple of days ago I saw his illness which is not so high but he is unable to rejoice himself. After all he might be recovered quite soon, his face seemed that he is the worst person in this world and already he has left all works of academic. Moreover, he lost to speak in an evasive way and invariably downtowns others. Especially his audacious behavior and valor in his speech is decimated. In addition, the hardship of health hazard is the prime reason not to be associated with the whole world. Actually all astute public are in the same opinion of this condition that if anyone faces cancer, how will we pacify his mind. Eventually it is very tough to strengthen mind at that condition although we have all money which is very insufficient to tackle us. Suppose a man is attacked by blood cancer. No sooner had he heard the news than his psychology changed. Although all happiness are brought about in front of him, his mind will not blow. My nearest uncle died at 2013 by suffering of blood cancer. At that moment I felt how hardship he was tackling and above all tried to come back. As a result, most of time his faces were gloomy and did n’t share any news and views to others. That’s why such epidemic and tortuous disease spoil the psychology to behave others well. Last but not least, if we look at the Nigeria, Somalia, what a scenario it is. It is really a heart-breaking scene which we can’t but tolerate. A magazine has published that Nigerian people don’t get sufficient food to meet up their malnutrition and vice-versa. Basically their health condition is not up to the mark as well. In effect they are very unsociable and very few can accommodate to the rest of the world. To wrap it up, it is very cumbersome to provide the solution of this open-ended question. So although a few may oppose my purview it is very clear that we have to be up to date in this scenario. Only thorough planning can’t we keep us good, rather it is needed to be focused on the health condition to make life better
No doubt, it
is admitted
that human being is the most appealing creatures in this universe. What I mean by this is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
easily
feel the mental oppression when they deem that they are ill even if it is fever. That’s why, it is
easily
perceived that relation among the human being and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is congruent and most of the time to decipher the human being is quite inferred according to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problem. In consideration of this view, I
wholeheartedly
believe the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
response of the above statement.

To embark on, every joyous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
of our life
is understood
by the symptoms of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. If our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is full functioned and there are no hazards, in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
, we
especially
enjoy those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moments
in an innumerable merriment which can’t
be depicted
in one a sentence.
For instance
, my friend has been shivering since 13th March and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
feeble that he is in great trap.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
couple of days ago I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
his illness which is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
high
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he is unable to rejoice himself.
After all
he might
be recovered
quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
, his face seemed that he is the worst person in this world and already he has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
all works of academic.
Moreover
, he lost to speak
Consider replacing "in an evasive way" with the adverb for "evasive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an evasive way
and
invariably
Possible spelling mistake found.
downtowns
others.
Especially
his audacious behavior and valor in his speech
is decimated
.

In addition
, the hardship of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
hazard is the prime reason not to
be associated
with the whole world. Actually all astute public are in the same opinion of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
that if anyone faces cancer, how will we pacify his mind.
Eventually
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tough to strengthen mind at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
although we have all money which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
insufficient to tackle us. Suppose a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
is attacked
by blood cancer. No sooner had he heard the news than his psychology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. Although all happiness
are brought
about in front of him, his mind will not blow. My nearest uncle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
at 2013 by
The usual preposition for this expression is "from" or "with." Did you mean "suffering from" or "suffering with"?
suffering of
blood cancer. At that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
I felt how hardship he was tackling and
above all
tried to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back.
As a result
,
Consider using "most time" or "most of the time".
most of time
his faces were gloomy and
Please check whether the space between 'did' and 'n’t' is correct.
did n’t
share any news and views to others. That’s why such epidemic and tortuous disease spoil the psychology to behave others well.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, if we look at the Nigeria, Somalia, what a scenario it is. It is
really
a heart-breaking scene which we can’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
tolerate. A magazine has published that Nigerian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sufficient food to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up their malnutrition and vice-versa.
Basically
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
is not up to the mark
as well
. In
The comma is probably missing here: "effect, they".
effect they
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unsociable and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few can accommodate to the rest of the world.

To wrap it up, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
cumbersome to provide the solution of this open-ended question.
“So although” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So although
a
Possible agreement error. The noun may seems to be uncountable; consider using: "little may".
few may
oppose my purview it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be up to date in this scenario.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
thorough planning
Please check the order of words and the punctuation of this sentence!
can’t we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
rather
it
is needed
to
be focused
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
better
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Health condition is the way to influence the behavior of human being? Do you agree with this topic or not v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
530 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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