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An increasing number of students choose to go to another country for their education. Do you think the benefits outweigh the problems associated with it? v.2

An increasing number of students choose to go to another country for their education. Do you think the benefits outweigh the problems associated with it? v. 2
 One major positive side of having education abroad is that people get opportunity to work abroad. While working there, people observe that the indigenous work culture there permits them to keep personal and official life separate. For instance, in Germany, people leave no stone unturned for good of their company when it is a weekday, while on weekends despite urgency of their work people are not bothered to work by the organisation. This type of environment motivates people to be part of such society where people can find equilibrium between their work and their personal life. And education is easiest way to get enrolled there.  Another advantage of this establishment is that students find that remuneration offered by employer there is more than enough to head a quality life. Being minimum wages law in place no one gets salary below this threshold in such countries. The US has set up a good example in front of world, by directing all the multinational institutions to pay immigrant students turned employees there a minimum amount of USD 100000 as their annual salary. This way thousands of Indians managed to save hefty amount for self and family in recent years.  However, money is the downside for students those who intend to pursue education in foreign. In other words, education in such countries is way to expensive and to support their tuition fees these students are forced to opt for education loan with higher rate of interests. This becomes a burden for such pupils for short term. Nevertheless, once they become part of workforce this loan amount becomes negligible for students to repay.  In conclusion, although, education loan is an issue to go abroad for higher education, I think later charismatic life make it possible for us to go through this pain. Therefore, in my opinion education overseas has more benefits
 One major
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
abroad is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
abroad. While working there,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
observe that the indigenous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
culture there permits them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
personal and official
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
separate.
For instance
, in Germany,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
no stone unturned for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
when it is a weekday, while on weekends despite urgency of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not bothered to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
. This type of environment motivates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be part of such society where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can find equilibrium between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is
Please check whether an article is missing: "the easiest".
easiest
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
enrolled there.

 Another advantage of this establishment is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
find that remuneration offered by employer there is more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to head a quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Being minimum wages law in place no one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
salary below this threshold in such countries. The US has set up a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example in front of world, by directing all the multinational institutions to pay immigrant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
turned employees there a minimum amount of USD 100000 as their annual salary. This way thousands of Indians managed to save hefty amount for self and family in recent years.

However
, money is the downside for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
those who intend to pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in foreign.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in such countries is way
Did you mean "too"?
to
expensive and to support their tuition fees these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are forced
to opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
loan with higher rate of interests. This becomes a burden for such pupils for short term.
Nevertheless
, once they become part of workforce this loan amount becomes negligible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to repay.

In conclusion
, although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
loan is an issue to go abroad for higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
later charismatic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it possible for us to go through this pain.
Therefore
, in my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
overseas has more benefits
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay An increasing number of students choose to go to another country for their education. Do you think the benefits outweigh the problems associated with it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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