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Governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than in athletics (like state Olympics team). v.2

Governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than in athletics (like state Olympics team). v. 2
There is a wide variety of proposals and projects that all governments are required to allocate sufficient budget for. In order to boost people' s well-being physically and mentally, governments must support both art and athletics financially. When it comes to offering financial aids by governments, controversy surrounds the issue of whether a government should provide more funds for arts in comparison with athletics or not. Some people are of the opinion that since art is a source of recreational activities, governments should pay more attention. I believe, however, sports and athletes need to be supported by authorities of a country for the following reasons. One of the most interesting aspects of the current discussion which needs to be reflected is that allocating attention to athletes and athletics would contribute to a healthy society. These days, it would be a common concern among parents who are not sure of their offspring' s futures due to their addiction to drug, gambling and other illegal activities. In fact, parents do not know how to keep their children from not being affected by unhealthy atmosphere of a society in which taking drug has been an usual issue among even teenagers. Under these circumstances, it is the government' s responsibility to protect tomorrow' s parents by encouraging children to take part in sports, exercise and other athletics. For example, when a government set priority over sports through its financial assistance, such attitude will motivate children and adults to be one of those professional athletes in the future. In addition, they might set their favorites players as their role models who encourage their fans to have a healthy lifestyles. Another noteworthy aspect of the ongoing discussion which demands a keen contemplation is that spending money on sports means boosing economy. If a government sets preference over sports, athletes especially those, who have international reputation in the world, can be a good motivator for their fans to watch their competitions. In this case, by increasing the number of fans from all over the world, the host country can generate considerable revenues by catching the tourists' attention to that country with it famous sports and athletes. This leads to local improvement, reduction in unemployment since all these fans need a place to stay, to eat, and someone to guide them in a foreign country. To sum up, setting example of athletes as role models and economic improvement are the results of offering more financial supports by governments to athletes and sports.
There is a wide variety of proposals and projects that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are required
to allocate sufficient budget for. In order to boost
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s well-being
physically
and mentally,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
support both art and athletics
financially
. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to offering financial aids by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
, controversy surrounds the issue of whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide more funds for arts
in comparison
with athletics or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that since art is a source of recreational activities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should pay more attention. I believe,
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
need to
be supported
by authorities of a country for the following reasons.

One of the most interesting aspects of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
discussion which needs to
be reflected
is that allocating attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and athletics would contribute to a healthy society. These days, it would be a common concern among parents who are not sure of their
Possible spelling mistake found.
offspring&
#039; s futures due to their addiction to drug, gambling and other illegal activities. In fact, parents do not know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their children from not being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by unhealthy atmosphere of a society in which taking drug has been
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
usual issue among even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
Under these circumstances
, it is the
Possible spelling mistake found.
government&
#039; s responsibility to protect
Possible spelling mistake found.
tomorrow&
#039; s parents by encouraging children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, exercise and other athletics.
For example
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
set priority over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
through its financial assistance, such attitude will motivate children and adults to be one of those professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
in the future.
In addition
, they might set their favorites players as their role models who encourage their fans to have a healthy
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "lifestyle"?
lifestyles
.

Another noteworthy aspect of the ongoing discussion which demands a keen contemplation is that spending money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
means
Possible spelling mistake found.
boosing
economy. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
sets preference over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
especially
those, who have international reputation in the world, can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
motivator for their fans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
their competitions.
In this case
, by increasing the number of fans from all over the world, the host country can generate considerable revenues by catching the
Possible spelling mistake found.
tourists&
#039; attention to that country with it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. This leads to local improvement, reduction in unemployment since all these fans need a place to stay, to eat, and someone to guide them in a foreign country.

To sum up, setting example of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
as role models and economic improvement are the results of offering more financial supports by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
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Munia Khan

IELTS essay Governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than in athletics (like state Olympics team). v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
414 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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