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Governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than in athletics (like state Olympics team). v.1

Governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than in athletics (like state Olympics team). v. 1
It is true that older people have been in a competition with younger candidates when looking for a job in recent years. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, many effective solutions can be taken into consideration to mitigate those problems. As older job seekers compete with younger generations, several related problems can be anticipated. The main issue is that various employers often attach great importance to the difference in ages between candidates as employers prefer long-term staff rather than older counterparts although they have similar qualifications and qualities. As a result, many old people may find it difficult to seek for a job to cover different needs in their lives and support their family. Furthermore, young people may have to face with some problems in some particular situations. For example, youngsters are not able to compete with older employees who have accumulated a lot of work experience as a doctor or other highly specialised jobs which always require candidates with a high level of competence in their fields. Despite the disadvantages given above, the government and individuals should take some immediate actions to mitigate this situation. A simple solution would be for the government to provide sufficient social benefits and change unnecessary policies which prevent older people from looking for a job. By reducing the retirement age from 65 to 60 or increasing the amount of pension for older people, they are no longer under pressure to make money for a living. Another effective solution is that individuals can apply themselves to develop practical skills through part-time jobs before entering the workforce. In this way, they may have more chances to work together with skilled workers in any fields. In conclusion, several problems can arise when older people compete with younger counterparts in the increasingly competitive job market and some productive measures need to be taken into account to address those matters.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been in a competition with younger candidates when looking for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in recent years. Although there will
undoubtedly
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of this trend,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
effective solutions can
be taken
into consideration to mitigate those problems.

As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
seekers compete with younger generations, several related problems can
be anticipated
. The main issue is that various employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attach great importance to the difference in ages between candidates as employers prefer long-term staff
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
counterparts although they have similar qualifications and qualities.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may find it difficult to seek for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to cover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
needs in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and support their family.
Furthermore
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular situations.
For example
, youngsters are not able to compete with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
employees who have accumulated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
work experience as a doctor or other
highly
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which always require candidates with a high level of competence in their fields.

Despite the disadvantages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
above, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individuals should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
immediate actions to mitigate this situation. A simple solution would be for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to provide sufficient social benefits and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
unnecessary policies which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from looking for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. By reducing the retirement age from 65 to 60 or increasing the amount of pension for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they are no longer under pressure to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money for a living. Another effective solution is that individuals can apply themselves to develop practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
through part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering the workforce. In this way, they may have more chances to work together with skilled workers in any fields.

In conclusion
, several problems can arise when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compete with younger counterparts in the
increasingly
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
productive measures need to
be taken
into account to address those matters.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than in athletics (like state Olympics team). v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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