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Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion. v.3

Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. Give your own opinion. v. 3
In the contemporary era, there is a heated argument over the issue whether the government should spend their money on developing sports and arts for supporting professionals for mass people. A lion's share of the society favours development, however, the rest goes adverse and favours professionals. I do not completely agree with either of these perspectives and will support my explanation with relevant examples. On the one hand, students should be encouraged to participate in these skills for their growth and development. This is because, learners should have autonomy to choose, which help them to acknowledge new dimensions of their life. For example, according to a report published by the UK newspaper in 2011, highlighted the Neuro- cognitive development of these students who were involved in skills like sports or arts (music, painting, dancing). In contrast, a strict supervision should be done on children so that they do not over indulge and loose concentration from academics. Subsequently, they would perform mediocrity in both aspects of life. On the other hand, I believe bureaucrats should motivate the professional aspect of these skills. The reason is that, it would create a sense of patriotism as well as generate revenue, which would help in boosting economy of a country. For instance, in my own experience, I am a professional tennis player and have received tremendous accolades and financial benefits due to this. As a result, I donate this amount for the welfare of my state. However, the athletes should not exploit this gift for their personal benefits. To conclude, it can be reiterated that spending on professional sports and cultural programs is imperative for the governments. Promoting sports in schools should also be there, but not at the expense of professional sports and cultural events.
In the contemporary era, there is a heated argument over the issue whether the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend their money on developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and arts for supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
for mass
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. A lion's share of the society
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
development,
however
, the rest goes adverse and
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
. I do not completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with either of these perspectives and will support my explanation with relevant examples.

On the one hand, students should
be encouraged
to participate in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for their growth and development. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, learners should have autonomy to choose, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to acknowledge new dimensions of their life.
For example
, according to a report published by the UK newspaper in 2011, highlighted the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Neuro
- cognitive development of these students who
were involved
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or arts (music, painting, dancing).
In contrast
, a strict supervision should
be done
on children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not over indulge and loose concentration from academics.
Subsequently
, they would perform mediocrity in both aspects of life.

On the other hand
, I believe bureaucrats should motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
aspect of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. The reason is that, it would create a sense of patriotism
as well
as generate revenue, which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in boosting economy of a country.
For instance
, in my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, I am a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
tennis player and have received tremendous accolades and financial benefits due to this.
As a result
, I donate this amount for the welfare of my state.
However
, the athletes should not exploit this gift for their personal benefits.

To conclude
, it can
be reiterated
that spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and cultural programs is imperative for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
. Promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in schools should
also
be there,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at the expense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. Give your own opinion. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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