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Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting fulltime jobs in certain countries. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting fulltime jobs in certain countries. v. 1
In some countries, young adults who are below the age-limit to work are restricted for full-time work by the authorities. In my opinion, I completely agree with this because young adults involved in the workforce for day-long would face serious health issues while they cannot focus on their education and consequently lead to child exploitation. To begin with, young children being engaged in permanent work cannot take their studies seriously. This means, having wasted most of their daytime working, they would struggle to find adequate study time, which will lead to obtaining poor grades in academics and eventually would drop-out from primary or secondary levels. For example, in many developing countries where child labor is accepted, permanent child workers are prevented from entering universities due to their work responsibilities. Another reason to support this idea is that working full-time would put them at risk of being affected by health problems both physically and mentally. Some jobs require physical activities, which would result in under-aged children to suffer from serious health conditions. This would also put a mental strain on them while performing physically demanding jobs for all day-long. To illustrate, the percentage of children taking mental health support is higher in south Asian countries where children are allowed to work full working hours from a young age. Finally, working children would fall into victim of child exploitation. In other words, being under the age-limit for 8hours jobs, they are not protected by laws, which results in receiving low wages while working equally as compared to adults. However, some destitute families require their offsprings to earn which would bring financial stability for the families, but the problems associated with full-time jobs for youngsters would outweigh that benefit. In conclusion, disruption in education, having a serious risk of being ill and getting lower remunerations make the notion of forbidding children to take part in 8hours jobs appeared to be effective and other countries ought to be encouraged by the success of such measure.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults who are below the age-limit to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
are restricted
for full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by the authorities. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults involved in the workforce for day-long would face serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues while they cannot focus on their education and
consequently
lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
exploitation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
being engaged
in permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
cannot take their studies
seriously
. This means, having wasted most of their daytime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, they would struggle to find adequate study time, which will lead to obtaining poor grades in academics and
eventually
would drop-out from primary or secondary levels.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
labor is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
, permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
workers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
from entering universities due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
responsibilities.

Another reason to support this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
full-time would put them at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems both
physically
and mentally.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
require physical activities, which would result in under-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to suffer from serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions. This would
also
put a mental strain on them while performing
physically
demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for all day-long. To illustrate, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
taking mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
support is higher in south Asian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would fall into victim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
exploitation.
In other words
, being under the age-limit for 8hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, they are not protected by laws, which results in receiving low wages while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
compared to adults.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
destitute families require their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to earn which would bring financial stability for the families,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the problems associated with full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for youngsters would outweigh that benefit.

In conclusion
, disruption in education, having a serious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of being ill and getting lower remunerations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the notion of forbidding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in 8hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
appeared to be effective and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
ought to
be encouraged
by the success of such measure.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting fulltime jobs in certain countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
331 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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