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Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. v. 1
How to protect underage children has become a hot topic of discussion these days. Some nations have banned children from working full-time jobs as it raises a number of worrying issues which includes lack of education and generates negative impacts on the body development. This essay will argue why I completely agree that prohibiting children from working is a necessary measure. One negative consequence of allowing youth to work is that they won’t able to utilize their valuable time to grasp adequate useful knowledge and learn essential skills that will reward them later on in the future. People need to realize that education plays a crucial role in shaping people’s personalities. To illustrate, it has been scientifically proven that human can absorb knowledge much easier during childhood. Therefore, it is vital for children to receive proper education at school rather than work at their early stage of life. Additionally, another challenge that associated with this is that children’s health can be adversely affected by doing various jobs which can have long term negative implications on their future. For example, a recent study conducted in Japan has revealed that due to lack of necessary skills in the work place, youngsters always stuck in numerous repetitive and laborious jobs like many sweatshops in the developing country and these unfavorable working conditions are definitely detrimental to their body and health. As can be seen, allowing children to work could also potentially lead to a far worse outcome for both individuals and the society. To sum up, whether or not authorities should ban underage children to work is controversial in recent years. Taking everything into consideration, I strongly believe that prohibiting children from working is an absolute imperative that is entirely justified.
How to protect underage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has become a hot topic of discussion these days.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
nations have banned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
full-time jobs as it raises a number of worrying issues which includes lack of education and generates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the body development. This essay will argue why I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that prohibiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is a necessary measure.

One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequence of allowing youth to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is that they won’t able to utilize their valuable time to grasp adequate useful knowledge and learn essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that will reward them later on in the future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
need to realize that education plays a crucial role in shaping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s personalities. To illustrate, it has been
scientifically
proven that human can absorb knowledge much easier during childhood.
Therefore
, it is vital for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to receive proper education at school
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at their early stage of life.

Additionally
, another challenge that associated with this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health can be
adversely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by doing various jobs which can have long term
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implications on their future.
For example
, a recent study conducted in Japan has revealed that due to lack of necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place, youngsters always stuck in numerous repetitive and laborious jobs like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sweatshops in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
and these unfavorable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
conditions are definitely detrimental to their body and health. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
could
also
potentially
lead to a far worse outcome for both individuals and the society.

To sum up,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
authorities should ban underage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is controversial in recent years. Taking everything into consideration, I
strongly
believe that prohibiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is an absolute imperative
that is
entirely
justified.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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