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Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. do you agree or disagree. v.3

Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. v. 3
In some countries, the government has laws which prohibit underage children to take full-time jobs. I support this step of the government. Such laws are in place to prevent the exploitation of children. In many poor countries, children are forced to work by their families so that they could help to make both ends meet. However, while doing so, their childhood is lost. They miss out on education and other things which children of their age must be doing. Government should not just prohibit the employment of children, but also make sure they get basic education free of cost. Mostly, poor families which cannot afford to send their kids to school, make them work. In that way, they think, they will at least get some money flowing into their homes. These people, being themselves uneducated, do not understand the importance of schooling and education. But if the government makes primary education mandatory and free, more children will be encouraged to join schools instead of going to work. Another aspect of child labour is regarding their safety and well-being. Underage children who work are mostly from underprivileged societies. Their employers may look down upon them. These children are unable to raise their voice if something unethical happens to them. They often find themselves helpless and try to blame such things on their destiny. All such experiences affect their self esteem and confidence. They grow up believing that they are good for nothing or they will always be this pathetic. Governments can play a major role in uplifting the status of children in their countries. This can be done by implementing stricter laws about employment of underage children and providing free basic education to them. After all, all children really deserve is love and happiness.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has laws which prohibit underage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to take full-time jobs. I support this step of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. Such laws are in place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the exploitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
poor countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are forced
to work by their families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
both ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.

However
, while doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, their childhood
is lost
. They miss out on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and other things which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of their age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be doing.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
prohibit the employment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
sure they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
free of cost.
Mostly
, poor families which cannot afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their kids to school,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them work. In that way, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, they will at least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money flowing into their homes. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, being themselves uneducated, do not understand the importance of schooling and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
mandatory and free, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
schools
instead
of going to work.

Another aspect of child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
is regarding their safety and well-being. Underage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who work are
mostly
from underprivileged societies. Their employers may look down upon them. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are unable to raise their voice if something unethical happens to them. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find themselves helpless and try to blame such things on their destiny. All such experiences affect their
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
and confidence. They grow up believing that they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
nothing or
they will always be this pathetic.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
can play a major role in uplifting the status of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in their countries. This can
be done
by implementing stricter laws about employment of underage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and providing free basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to them.
After all
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
really
deserve is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and happiness.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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