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Governments dthe underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Is it good thing or bad thing? v.2

Governments dthe underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Is it good thing or bad thing? v. 2
Child labor has always been a heated concern across the globe. It is believed that adolescents should not be allowed to do full-time jobs in different countries and the government should enforce strict laws in this regard. I completely agree that the government should play its pivotal role as working full-time certainly has negative impacts. I shall elaborate my point of view with valid arguments and examples in the following paragraphs. To begin with, predominantly, child labour is increasing at an alarming rate, particularly in underdeveloped countries like India & Pakistan. Children are forced to do work in order to support their families. By government intervention, children would be given the opportunity to take out time for studies to pursue their dream careers. According to the recent research, 50% of adolescents in India do full-time jobs and do not go to the school at all. To elucidate my stance further, government ban on full-time jobs can prevent children physical and mental fatigue. Child labor dilemma has detrimental effects on adolescents mental & physical growth. Owing to the low literacy rate, they are given labor work that requires a lot of physical fatigue. These children suffer from fatal diseases like asthma, TB and cancer. Short term jobs can benefit children in taking care of themselves alongside helping their families to earn bread and butter. A study from London University shown that children working full-time in factories are 60% more inclined to get affected by incurable diseases like HIV or TB. In a nutshell, it is of paramount importance that the government prohibit adolescents to do full-time work. This imposes will certainly bring a positive change not only on teenagers life but also in the society altogether.
Child labor has always been a heated concern across the globe. It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to do full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should enforce strict laws in this regard. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should play its pivotal role as working full-time
certainly
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts. I shall elaborate my point of view with valid arguments and examples in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
predominantly
, child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
is increasing at an alarming rate,
particularly
in underdeveloped countries like India
Possible spelling mistake found.
&amp
; Pakistan.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are forced
to do work in order to support their families. By
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
intervention,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to take out time for studies to pursue their dream careers. According to the recent research, 50% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
in India do full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and do not go to the school at all.

To elucidate my stance
further
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
ban on full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
physical and mental fatigue. Child labor dilemma has detrimental effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
mental
Possible spelling mistake found.
&amp
; physical growth. Owing to the low literacy rate, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
labor work that requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
physical fatigue. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from fatal diseases like asthma, TB and cancer. Short term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in taking care of themselves alongside helping their families to earn bread and butter. A study from London University shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
working full-time in factories are 60% more inclined to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by incurable diseases like HIV or TB.

In a nutshell, it is of paramount importance that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
prohibit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
to do full-time work. This imposes will
certainly
bring a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "teenagers'" or "teenager's"?
teenagers
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in the society altogether.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Governments dthe underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Is it good thing or bad thing? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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