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Governments dthe underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Is it good thing or bad thing? v.1

Governments dthe underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Is it good thing or bad thing? v. 1
It is observed that the number of shootings in certain countries is directly proportional to the number of privately owned guns. Therefore, it is argued that owning guns should be restricted. As far as I am concerned, I believe that gun restriction will reduce the number of shootings and is necessary. Some may say that privately owned guns act as a weapon for owners to protect themselves in dangerous and unavoidable conditions. However, when everyone does not have guns privately the level of safety within the area will be enhanced and situations which citizens may need gun for self defence will be extremely rare. When citizens are relatively safe, why will they need guns? Apart from the necessaries of owning private guns, the security of citizens outweighs the goods of allowing private ownership of guns. It is ideal that owners would use their guns wisely without causing trouble. However, when gun owners who are human and may go through emotional upheavals, they may lose the ability to control their emotions and make wise decisions. As a result, bullets will be shot to the innocent, causing social chaos. For examples, headlines about criminals shooting in supermarkets and schools with guns causing death and injured are not uncommon in the USA. Therefore, gun restriction is required to safeguard the safety of citizens in certain countries. To summarise, the level of safety is believed to be improved when the gun restriction is imposed. Furthermore, there is no doubt that the personal safety of citizens is of paramount importance. Therefore, owning guns should definitely be restricted. I believe that the total of shootings will be reduced and so as the victims.
It
is observed
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shootings
in certain countries is
directly
proportional to the number of
privately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
.
Therefore
, it
is argued
that owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
should
be restricted
. As far as I
am concerned
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gun
restriction will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shootings
and is necessary.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may say that
privately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
act as a weapon for owners to protect themselves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and unavoidable conditions.
However
, when everyone does not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
privately
the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
within the area will
be enhanced
and situations which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
may need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gun
for
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self defence
will be
extremely
rare. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
are
relatively
safe, why will they need guns?

Apart from the necessaries of owning private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
, the security of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
outweighs the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
of allowing private ownership of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
. It is ideal that owners would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
wisely
without causing trouble.
However
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gun
owners who are human and may go through emotional upheavals, they may lose the ability to control their emotions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wise decisions.
As a result
, bullets will
be shot
to the innocent, causing social chaos. For examples, headlines about criminals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shooting
in supermarkets and schools with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
causing death and injured are not uncommon in the USA.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gun
restriction
is required
to safeguard the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
in certain countries.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
is believed
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gun
restriction
is imposed
.
Furthermore
, there is no doubt that the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
is of paramount importance.
Therefore
, owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guns
should definitely
be restricted
. I believe that the total of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shootings
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as the victims.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Governments dthe underage children for getting full-time jobs in certain countries. Is it good thing or bad thing? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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