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Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.2

Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. v. 2
Governments around the world are now investing a great deal in therapy for illnesses and diseases. However, some people believe that it is better to solve the problem at source by spending more on health eduction and prevention. I myself disagree with this opinion. Analyzing fundamental funtions of the government and civilians' responsibility will shed light on my point of view. Firstly, governments, of course, should be responsible for health care system. In reality, there are many examples worldwide that huge public investment in building modern hospitals and equipping cutting-edge machines in diagnosing and treating illnesses. Only by spending on such highly-cost innovation, can the government provide strong enough treatment for fatal diseases like heart stroke, cancer, . . . which are now increasingly common. Thus, this makes clear that spending a great amount of money on taking care of the health of the society is one of the government's obligations. Secondly, I believe that we, as civilians, play the most significant part in educating ourselves and preventing ourselves from absolutely avoidable diseases. I would like to cite some information that i have learned from Ted talks show on Youtube that despite governmental strategies on health education and high taxation in cigarette industry the main reasons behind serious common illnesses such as lung cancer, diabetes, heart stroke are our physical inactivity, unhealthy diets and smoking habit. These behaviours which are definitely dependant on ourselves are erading our health and leading us to the hospital in the future. That is to say, the responsibily for prevention and health promotion actually falls on our hand rather than governments. In summary, budget distribution for treating illnesses and diseases is an inherent part of governmental operation and citizens are at the core in protecting themselves. Therefore, great public spending on medical service is compulsory and reasonable. In the future, I firmly believe that governments worldwide are likely to remain this bigger spending because illnesses and diseases may become more serious and widespread.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
around the world are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
investing a great deal in therapy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is better to solve the problem at source by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Possible spelling mistake found.
eduction
and prevention. I myself disagree with this opinion. Analyzing fundamental
Possible spelling mistake found.
funtions
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and civilians' responsibility will shed light on my point of view.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
,
of course
, should be responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system. In reality, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
examples worldwide that huge public investment in building modern hospitals and equipping cutting-edge machines in diagnosing and treating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on such
highly
-cost innovation, can the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
provide strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
treatment for fatal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
like heart stroke, cancer
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
which
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
increasingly
common.
Thus
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
a great amount of money on taking care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the society is one of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's obligations.

Secondly
, I believe that we, as civilians, play the most significant part in educating ourselves and preventing ourselves from
absolutely
avoidable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. I would like to cite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
information that
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
have learned from Ted talks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
that despite governmental strategies on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education and high taxation in cigarette industry the main reasons behind serious common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
such as lung cancer, diabetes, heart stroke are our physical inactivity, unhealthy diets and smoking habit. These
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
which are definitely
Did you mean "dependent" on?
dependant
on ourselves are
Possible spelling mistake found.
erading
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and leading us to the hospital in the future.
That is
to say, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsibily
for prevention and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
promotion actually falls on our hand
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

In summary, budget distribution for treating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
is an inherent part of governmental operation and citizens are at the core in protecting themselves.
Therefore
, great public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on medical service is compulsory and reasonable. In the future, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
worldwide are likely to remain this bigger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
may become more serious and widespread.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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