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Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.4

Some people opine that an enormous amount of money is spent on treating illness and disease by the government, while others propose that this spendings should be done on educating the masses and preventing the causes. Although I beleive that the citizens should be given proper education from time to time inorder to prevent any serious illness, I strongly beleive that it is equally important to spend significant amount on treating those illness. On one hand, health education and prevention stratergies should be incorporated in the studies, so that the young generation are made aware of the possible curcumstances in near future. Moreover, I beleive that prevention is an indiviual responsibility. For instance, it is always adviced and advertised by the government that smoking is ingurious to health. However, it is one's responsibility to follow the advice for a healthy lifestyle. Additionally, a person suffering from diabetes is needed to have control over the intake of sugar to avoid increasing of issue. Thus, I think that in few cases, heath education and prevention is an individuals responsibility. On the other hand, some illness and disease, which are unpredicatable and can not be prevented, might need immediate attention. For example, cancer, which causes a serious health issue, if not predicted on time, might lead to one's death. To conclude, Although it is important to spread awareness among citizens, I think it is really important to spend the fundings on treating the disease.
Some
people
opine that an enormous amount of money
is spent
on treating illness and disease by the
government
, while others propose that
this
spendings
should
be done
on educating the masses and preventing the causes. Although I
beleive
that the citizens should be
given
proper education from time to time
inorder
to
prevent
any serious illness, I
strongly
beleive
that it is
equally
important
to spend significant amount on treating
those illness
.

On one hand, health education and prevention
stratergies
should
be incorporated
in the studies,
so
that the young generation
are made
aware of the possible
curcumstances
in near future.
Moreover
, I
beleive
that prevention is an
indiviual
responsibility.
For instance
, it is always
adviced
and advertised by the
government
that smoking is
ingurious
to health.
However
, it is one's responsibility to follow the advice for a healthy lifestyle.
Additionally
, a person suffering from diabetes
is needed
to have control over the intake of sugar to avoid increasing of issue.
Thus
, I
think
that in few cases, heath education and prevention is an
individuals
responsibility.

On the other hand
,
some
illness and disease, which are
unpredicatable
and can not be
prevented
, might need immediate attention.
For example
, cancer, which causes a serious health issue, if not predicted on time, might lead to one's death.

To conclude
, Although it is
important
to spread awareness among citizens, I
think
it is
really
important
to spend the
fundings on
treating the disease.
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IELTS essay Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
241 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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