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In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hair styles. In your opinion what is influencing this? Is this a good or bad thing. v.1

In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hair styles. In your opinion what is influencing this? Is this a good or bad thing. v. 1
These days it is well know that people want to have the latest hair done, and wear what is in vogue globally. In my opinion, I think social media is one the factors that influence this development which is sometimes disadvantageous to many people. One of the major factors that pressurize people to wear clothes that are trending is the social media. This is because they want to imitate the celebrity they often see on their media pages. For example, a survey carried out by a group of researchers shows that ninety percent of teenagers nowadays desire to dress like the famous artist they love see on entertainment pages on their phone. This is as a result of choosing them as their role model. Another factor to consider is that some people want to look more attractive. In other words, they dress extraordinarily among their friends and colleagues so that they can be well respected and treated with high esteem. This is a negative development because it prevents many individuals to save adequately for the future. The reason is that they tend to divert funds that ought to be use to purchase landed properties, shares, into buying clothing items that depreciate within a short period of time. Consequently, they become stranded when they are no longer in paid employment or when they are old and cannot continue to work. In addition, this might lead some persons to illicit acts such as forging documents in the office, running into debts, in order to acquire money owing to the fact that they want to look superb. In conclusion, Although there is no doubt that some persons imitate modern day dressing. In my view entertainment industry is often the cause and this is not profitable to many individuals as it might lead them into inappropriate acts.
These days it is
Did you mean "well-known"?
well know
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to have the latest hair done, and wear what is in vogue globally. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
social media is
Did you mean "one of"?
one
the factors that influence this development which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
disadvantageous to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

One of the major factors that pressurize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to wear clothes that are trending is the social media. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to imitate the celebrity they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on their media pages.
For example
, a survey carried out by a group of researchers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that ninety percent of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
nowadays desire to dress like the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artist they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on entertainment pages on their phone. This is
as a result
of choosing them as their role model. Another factor to consider is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to look more attractive.
In other words
, they dress
extraordinarily
among their friends and colleagues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can be well respected and treated with high esteem.

This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals to save
adequately
for the future. The reason is that they tend to divert funds that ought to be
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
landed properties, shares, into buying clothing items that depreciate within a short period of time.
Consequently
, they become stranded when they are no longer in paid employment or when they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and cannot continue to work.
In addition
, this might lead
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons to illicit acts such as forging documents in the office, running into debts, in order to acquire money owing to the fact that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to look superb.

In conclusion
, Although there is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons imitate modern day dressing.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my view entertainment industry is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
the cause and this is not profitable to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals as it might lead them into inappropriate acts.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hair styles. In your opinion what is influencing this? Is this a good or bad thing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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