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Government should spend money to increase the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sport and art performances for general public. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Government should spend money to increase the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sport and art performances for general public. v. 1
Some people, including me argue that law enforcing agency should concentrate and spend their budget on school cultural activities rather than spending money for professional sports. However, there is a group supporting to spend more money towards public performance, not towards school's activity. The following essay states the points to support my opinion. Firstly, in this modern world, it has been observed that lifestyle diseases are increasing a lot. This is mainly due to unhealthy eating habits and lack of physical exercise. So if the government can introduce extra-curriculum activities in the early educational classes, then it will help to make sure that kids are getting enough fitness time and the authority can protect them from lifestyle illness. For instance, in Kerala, the law agencies have started giving importance to sports and art from kinder gardens, which in turn, energized the students increased their concentration level in the studies. Secondly, most of the time, the early exposure to extra activities, may lights to create a hobby and later the hobby turns into as a profession. Furthermore, nowadays, competitions are there along with the practise. If a student won in the school race, then he will be eligible to enter in the district level and this will go till national level. By this way the educational system is creating athletes. For example, in Kerela, the state spent more than 15% of their budget to have cultural activities and training. This has given a very positive response from every citizen and most of the sports and arts persons have been identified from here. In conclusion, it is always good to spend a region's budget to encourage physical activities in the primary and secondary as this often leads to develop athletes and professionals to develop the country standard.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, including me argue that law enforcing agency should concentrate and spend their budget on school cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
rather
than spending money for professional sports.
However
, there is a group supporting to spend more money towards public performance, not towards school's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. The following essay states the points to support my opinion.

Firstly
, in this modern world, it has
been observed
that lifestyle diseases are increasing a lot. This is
mainly
due to unhealthy eating habits and lack of physical exercise.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can introduce extra-curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in the early educational classes, then it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that kids are getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
fitness time and the authority can protect them from lifestyle illness.
For instance
, in Kerala, the law agencies have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
giving importance to sports and art from kinder gardens, which in turn, energized the students increased their concentration level in the studies.

Secondly
, most of the time, the early exposure to extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, may lights to create a hobby and later the hobby turns into as a profession.
Furthermore
, nowadays, competitions are there along with the
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
. If a student won in the school race, then he will be eligible to
There isn't usually a preposition after "enter". Did you mean "enter the district"?
enter in the district
level and this will go till national level. By this way the educational system is creating athletes.
For example
, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kerela
, the state spent more than 15% of their budget to have cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and training. This has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
response from every citizen and most of the sports and arts persons have
been identified
from here.

In conclusion
, it is always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to spend a region's budget to encourage physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in the primary and secondary as this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads to develop athletes and professionals to develop the country standard.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Government should spend money to increase the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sport and art performances for general public. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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