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Government give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion? v.1

Government give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. v. 1
Some would argue that, it is a healthy sign as government is financing artists. While other says this money could have been used on other projects. Although, an artist need financial help in the initial stage of their career. However, I believe that there are other departments which state need to give priorities such as health care. On the one hand, some say, in the early stage of any artist needs funds to master in their respective art field and showcase their talent. To learn all 24 crafts of movie making is only possible to attend international film schools and it is every expensive for any an ordinary person. For example, An Indian film director SS Raja Mouli, who went on to win four national awards for his best movies. His dream comes true to study in the New York film academy, when he got financial help from the state government. However, I believe that art does not solve the major problems of our society. The Government should start investing more in the health care sector, which can solve many problems in our society. On the other hand, the government should first invest more in the health care sector, which is very important because, in every country diabetes is the major health problem. If the state funds for diabetic research it would solve the entire country’s diabetic issue. For example, in India many decades ago, newborn babies were suffering from polio due to lack of vitamin and calcium. Then the Indian government decided to invest a huge amount in Polio research, after a few years of research, doctors got the solution of this polio and then rest is the history. To conclude, I strongly believe that the government should first invest more to solve major problems of the society like health care and then finance in other fields.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that, it is a healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is financing artists.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
says this money could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
projects.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, an artist need financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the initial stage of their career.
However
, I believe that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
departments which state need to give priorities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
say, in the early stage of any artist needs funds to master in their respective art field and showcase their talent. To learn all 24 crafts of movie making is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible to attend international film schools and it is every expensive for any an ordinary person.
For example
, An Indian film director SS Raja
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mouli
, who went on to win four national awards for his best movies. His dream
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
true to study in the New York film academy, when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
However
, I believe that art does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of our society. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
investing more in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care sector, which can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in our society.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
first
invest more in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care sector, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in every country diabetes is the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. If the state funds for diabetic research it would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
the entire country’s diabetic issue.
For example
, in India
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
decades ago, newborn babies were suffering from polio due to lack of vitamin and calcium. Then the Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
decided to invest a huge amount in Polio research, after a few years of research, doctors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the solution of this polio and then rest is the history.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
first
invest more to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solve
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of the society like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care and then finance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Government give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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