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Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility to university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility to university difficult. v. 2
It is argued by some people that both the wealthy and those with little means find it challenging to gain admission into university. I agree with this notion because accessibility to university is often based on academic merits and there is a limit to the number of students each higher institution can admit. First of all, a major reason for the difficult accessibility to higher institutions by the wealthy and the poor is because university's admissions are often base on academic performance. Therefore, students who meet the requirements for admission into colleges are offered admission first, even if the ability to pay tuition would be considered later. For instance, in Nigeria, credit pass in Mathematics and English is a prerequisite for undergraduate studies in federal universities. As a result, both the rich and the poor who fall short of these requirements would not be admitted in the university. Furthermore, there is a limit to the number of students who can be offered admission in various universities. In other words, universities will not admit more than the the number of students the resources of the university would cater for and all students are subjected to this system. For instance most higher institutions in Nigeria admit between 4000 and 10000 undergraduates annually. Thus, since both the rich and the poor are subjected to this quota system, no one is favoured. In conclusion, I agree with the view that both the affluent and the poor face the same difficulty in accessibility to university education due to the fact that both must meet academic requirements for admission and many universities have a limit on the number of yearly intakes, which equally affects everyone.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that both the wealthy and those with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
means find it challenging
Did you mean "gaining"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
accessibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
based on academic merits and there is a limit to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
each higher institution can admit.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a major reason for the difficult accessibility to higher institutions by the wealthy and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
university's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admissions
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
base on academic performance.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirements for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
into colleges
are offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
first
, even if the ability to pay tuition would
be considered
later.
For instance
, in Nigeria, credit pass in Mathematics and English is a prerequisite for undergraduate studies in federal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
As a result
, both the rich and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
who fall short of these requirements would not
be admitted
in the university.

Furthermore
, there is a limit to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who can
be offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
will not admit more than
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
the resources of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
would cater for and all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are subjected
to this system.
For instance
Use only "higher" (without 'most') when you use the comparative.
most higher
institutions in Nigeria admit between 4000 and 10000 undergraduates
annually
.
Thus
, since both the rich and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
are subjected
to this quota system, no one is
Possible spelling mistake. 'favoured' is British English.
favoured
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view that both the affluent and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
face the same difficulty in accessibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education due to the fact that both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
academic requirements for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
have a limit on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of yearly intakes, which
equally
affects everyone.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility to university difficult. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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