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give opinion. . Nowadays, children spending more time in playing computer games rather than doing sport. Why? v.1

give opinion. . Nowadays, children spending more time in playing computer games rather than doing sport. Why? v. 1
Technology has brought ample changes in modern life and some of them have had severe negative impacts on our environment. While some people think that the way to tackle the technology footprint on our planet is stop using technology, other think that it could help to enhance the damage that human being have caused in our world. I strongly advocate that cutting-edge advances can be developed focusing on The well-being of our environment. Communities have evolved in a way that it is impossible to go backwards to old systems that only worked for ancient or old civilizations. For instance, a century ago, the population used to grow their own vegetables in their backyards and have farms to raise animals such as cows and chickens than eventually were eaten. This scenario lets them live plenty lives without generating trash or pollution. However, people have highly changed and used technology as a tool for progress. For example, medical surgeons use advanced machines to see with cameras and operate in human bodies so that they can cause less damage to patients and they can recover faster. Also, software developers have designed multiple kind of codes to assist companies' processes so they can offer better and faster services such as the ATM machines we use to get cash form our bank accounts or self-service options in supermarkets. Definitely populations cannot go backwards to more relaxed lives, but researchers can develop sustainable processes so we do not leave a footprint on the environment. Furthermore, they could develop technological advances to diminish the current damage. To conclude, I certainly think that technology will continue changing with modern societies and that at the same time it has to focus on having environmentally friendly processes to prevent detrimental consequences and make a better world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
has brought ample
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in modern life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them have had severe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on our environment. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the way to tackle the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
footprint on our planet is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to enhance the damage that human being have caused in our world. I
strongly
advocate that cutting-edge advances can
be developed
focusing
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
on


The well-being of our environment.

Communities have evolved in a way that it is impossible to go backwards to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
systems that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
worked for ancient or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
civilizations.
For instance
, a century ago, the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to grow their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
vegetables in their backyards and have farms to raise animals such as cows and chickens than
eventually
were eaten
. This scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
without generating trash or pollution.

However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
highly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
as a tool for progress.
For example
, medical surgeons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
advanced machines to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
with cameras and operate in human bodies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can cause less damage to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
patients and
they can recover faster.
Also
, software developers have designed multiple kind of codes to assist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' processes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can offer better and faster services such as the
This phrase is redundant ('M' stands for 'machine'). Use simply "ATMs".
ATM machines
we
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
cash form our bank accounts or self-service options in supermarkets. Definitely populations cannot go backwards to more relaxed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
researchers can develop sustainable processes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a footprint on the environment.
Furthermore
, they could develop technological advances to diminish the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
damage.

To conclude
, I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
will continue changing with modern societies and that at the same time it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
focus on having
environmentally
friendly processes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
detrimental consequences and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay give opinion. . Nowadays, children spending more time in playing computer games rather than doing sport. Why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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