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Games are as important for adults as they are for children. v.1

Games are as important for adults as they are for children. v. 1
It is unanimously agreed that games are deemed to be the first entertainer for humans all over the world. Some people assume that such games are essential for both adults and children. However, other people believe that games are only meant to be for children. For many reasons, which will be mentioned below, I strongly reckon that games are supposed to be only for children. Firstly, we all know that games waste the time and divert the person from his aims in life. Therefore, when adults use these games, their times will be spent aimlessly. Moreover, they will not achieve their goals in life due to those silly games. For example, my brother, who is a university student, is immensely engrossed in those games and he spares no time for his study. As a result, his marks are always low and he cannot do anything about that. Secondly, it is generally admitted that all kinds of games are designed only for entertainment. Accordingly, such adults who play these games will focus only on joyfulness and trivial things. Additionally, they will pay no attention nor take care of what is important or useful for them. Hence, those adults, in future, will be without aims or goals to achieve and their interests will be lightened only on these trivial things. On the other hand, children are allowed to play these games because they have no responsibility to overtake or ambition to reach. Additionally, children are not blamed when they play games since these games are the only thing children can do. Also, instead of wasting their times with bad friends, children had better enjoy and spend their times on games. To sum up, games should only be attributed to children. Unlike children, adults have responsibilities to take many responsibilities and set goals to go ahead. No matter how difficult this opinion would be for the adults, yet they will know and realise this notion in their future. Applying the above, adults will be with a good mentality and will positively contribute to the growth of their communities.
It is
unanimously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are deemed
to be the
first
entertainer for humans all over the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assume that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are essential for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
meant to be for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, which will
be mentioned
below, I
strongly
reckon that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are supposed
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for children.

Firstly
, we all know that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
waste the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and divert the person from his aims in life.
Therefore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
will
be spent
aimlessly
.
Moreover
, they will not achieve their goals in life due to those silly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
, my brother, who is a university student, is
immensely
engrossed in those
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
he spares no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for his study.
As a result
, his marks are always
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
low and
he cannot do anything about that.

Secondly
, it is
generally
admitted that all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are designed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for entertainment.
Accordingly
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
who play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will focus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
on joyfulness and trivial things.
Additionally
, they will pay no attention nor take care of what is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
or useful for them.
Hence
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
,
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
, will be without aims or goals to achieve and their interests will
be lightened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
on these trivial things.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have no responsibility to overtake or ambition to reach.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not blamed when they play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
since these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
thing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can do.
Also
,
instead
of wasting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
friends,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had better enjoy and spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
on games.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
be attributed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Unlike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have responsibilities to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsibilities and set goals to go ahead. No matter how difficult this opinion would be for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
,
yet
they will know and
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
this notion in their future. Applying the above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
will be with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mentality and will
positively
contribute to the growth of their communities.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Games are as important for adults as they are for children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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