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Full time university student spend most of their time in academic subjects. Some people say that they should engage in other activities also. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Full time university student spend most of their time in academic subjects. Some people say that they should engage in other activities also. v. 1
The debate on video games has been going on since they first introduced to the public. Some people think video games are an enjoyable form of entertainment while others are strongly against them due to game addiction and its consequences. In my opinion, video games are can be harmful, but they can bring benefits to people and the society as well. Every millennial has played video games and a number of young people become addicted to them. There have been extreme cases that games addicted parents neglect their newborns and leave them to starve to death. Video games come in different genres from educational to violent. The most popular games on the App Store or Play Store are mostly violent, and since they are Very easily accessible to people, children are often seen playing fighting, shooting and killing games at a very young age. Some children cannot differentiate games from reality and end up becoming violent. There was a case that a teenager killed his grandmother because she nagged at him for playing games too much. When during interrogation, he said he thought his grandma could resurrect like game characters, Not to mention sexual related and gender stereotypical contents where female characters wear over-revealing outfits. Therefore, it is understandable that many people do not have a positive opinion on video games, On the other hand, there have been any research proving the correlations between playing games and harmful behaviours. Whereas educational games are helpful for students, especially those with special needs. They can learn about the outside world, sounds, music, languages, history, etc. Some mobile games can be used in the classroom to engage students and improve their learning. Moreover, game designing and game developing have become popular professions since the last decade. The father of Flappy Bird has made thousands of dollars from it. Many talented young people are carrying a large amount of money from competing, playing and making games. In conclusion, playing game can be addictive and destructive to other real life activities. However, I believe there are ways to control the quality and manage the age of game players so that video games can serve better educational and entertainment purposes.
The debate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has been going on since they
first
introduced to the public.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are an enjoyable form of entertainment while others are
strongly
against them due to game addiction and its consequences. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are can be harmful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can bring benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the society
as well
.

Every millennial has played
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and a number of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become addicted to them. There have been extreme cases that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
addicted parents neglect their newborns and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them to starve to death.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
genres from educational to violent. The most popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on the App Store or Play Store are
mostly
violent, and since they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Very
easily
accessible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, children are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "going fighting".
playing fighting
, shooting and killing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
children cannot differentiate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
from reality and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up becoming violent. There was a case that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
killed his grandmother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she nagged at him for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
too much. When during interrogation, he said he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
his grandma could resurrect like game characters, Not to mention sexual related and gender stereotypical contents where female characters wear over-revealing outfits.
Therefore
, it is understandable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
opinion on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
games,

On the other hand
, there have been any research proving the correlations between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and harmful
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
. Whereas educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are helpful for students,
especially
those with special needs. They can learn about the outside world, sounds, music, languages, history, etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the classroom to engage students and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their learning.
Moreover
, game designing and game developing have become popular professions since the last decade. The father of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Flappy
Bird has made thousands of dollars from it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
talented young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are carrying a large amount of money from competing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
and making games.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
game can be addictive and destructive to other real life activities.
However
, I believe there are ways to control the quality and manage the age of game players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can serve better educational and entertainment purposes.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Full time university student spend most of their time in academic subjects. Some people say that they should engage in other activities also. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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