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For success in a future job it is more important to relate well with others than to study hard in school. (A/D) v.1

For success in a future job it is more important to relate well with others than to study hard in school. (A/D) v. 1
Nowadays, it is commonly accepted that ability to communicate with other people is more important factor than studying hard. Contrary to this popular belief, there are still those who argue that studying is more important. I, to a great extent, agree with the view point of the first group. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in details to buttress my position toward the argument. First and foremost, there are close relation between having a job and good social relation with other staffs and customers. As far as I concern, ability to contact with others efficiently is crucial in each occupation. How can a person could be successful in his job when all the customers are dissatisfied about his manners and attitudes, moreover, team working is predominant factor of being among a group and try with them for achieving a specific purpose. When a student did not attempt to intensify this skill in himself, he would not be capable to cooperate with other people in a company. Therefore, he would not be successful in his job. The other substantial fact that should be taken into consideration is that a well-educated person should be able to express his knowledge best either. If a person who studied hard in university, in his interview for applying to a job, could not be able to show his strengths and knowledge to the employer well. It is such a kind of difficulty for him to find an eligible job. However, if he has good communication ability, he would express his skills and adeptness well. For sure, there would be very good job fortunes for him and by assist of his knowledge and skills, he would be a successful person in his job. The last but not the least, almost the success of most of the jobs are based on their marketing strategies. The focus of the marketing is on the potential customers. The company should apply various techniques for attracting more customers. Then, the people want to have a successful business should be able to compete with others. Thus, having good ability to communicate with the people leads the company to higher revenue. To recapitulate briefly, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that it is more important for a student to have efficient relation rather than study hard.
Nowadays, it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
to communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor than studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. Contrary to this popular belief, there are
still
those who argue that studying is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. I, to a great extent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view point of the
first
group. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
to buttress my position toward the argument.

First
and foremost, there are close relation between having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
social relation with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
staffs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
. As far as I concern,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
to contact with others
efficiently
is crucial in each occupation. How can a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
could be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
when all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
are dissatisfied
about his manners and attitudes,
moreover
, team working is predominant factor of being among a group and try with them for achieving a specific purpose. When a student did not attempt to intensify this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
in himself, he would not be capable to cooperate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Therefore
, he would not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in his job.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
substantial fact that should
be taken
into consideration is that a well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
should be able to express his knowledge best either. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who studied
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in university, in his interview for applying to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, could not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
his strengths and knowledge to the employer well. It is such a kind of difficulty for him to find an eligible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
However
, if he has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
, he would express his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and adeptness well. For sure, there would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
fortunes for him and by assist of his knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, he would be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in his job.

The last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, almost the success of most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are based
on their marketing strategies. The focus of the marketing is on the potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
should apply various techniques for attracting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
. Then, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
business should be able to compete with others.
Thus
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
to communicate with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
leads
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to higher revenue.

To recapitulate
briefly
, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a student to have efficient relation
rather
than study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay For success in a future job it is more important to relate well with others than to study hard in school. (A/D) v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
388 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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