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Agree or disagree? Successful person try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already doing what they already know to do well. v.2

Agree or disagree? Successful person try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already doing what they already know to do well. v. 2
Nowadays, it is commonly accepted that taking adventurous provides situations for the people to be more successful. Contrary to this popular belief, there are still those who argue that being successful depends on doing their strengths and usual activities rather than experience new things. I, to a great extent, agree with the view point of the first group. Taking risk can assist people to promote and have especial chance for being successful. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in details to buttress my position toward the argument. First and foremost, I strongly believe that when the person makes this chance for himself to experience new situation, the new opportunity would happen for him. For instance, my father moved to the city from his hometown whereas his brother did not. My father started to study in the university and after that he found an eligible occupation and now after all that years he has comfortable life. While his brother did not attend the university and worked on his father' s farms and now he has not really suitable life as my father. Hence, my father by facing to new situation creates significant success for himself in his life. The other substantial fact that should be taken under consideration is that successful businessmen took risk in their investment decisions. Since the past years, investment policies have close relation with having ability to risk. As an example, when the person decide purchasing shares, if he has risk-reverse esprit, he would not be really successful. He is always worry about the price volatility and price trend, then, he would buy and sell the shares in inappropriate time. On the contrast, if he decide aggressively and want to take some risks instead, he would have tremendous profit latter. In fact, taking risk should be rationally and base on enough information, on the other hand, it would be devastating and destructive the person' s life completely. The last but not the list, taking adventurous makes the person to behave and act more precisely and meticulously. This accuracy in doing the activities enhance the person' s performance. Because the fear of facing problems or defeats motivates the person to try the best. Hence, this sense leads to a well-done job. To recapitulate briefly, based on aforementioned reasons I can draw this conclusion that taking risk can play crucial role in someone' s success.
Nowadays, it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that taking adventurous provides situations for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
. Contrary to this popular belief, there are
still
those who argue that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
depends on doing their strengths and usual activities
rather
than experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things. I, to a great extent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view point of the
first
group. Taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
can assist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to promote and have especial chance for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
to buttress my position toward the argument.

First
and foremost, I
strongly
believe that when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
this chance for himself to experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
situation, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
opportunity would happen for him.
For instance
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to the city from his hometown whereas his brother did not. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to study in the university and after that he found an eligible occupation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
after all
that years he has comfortable life. While his brother did not attend the university and worked on his
Possible spelling mistake found.
father&
#039; s farms and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he has not
really
suitable life as my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
.
Hence
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
by facing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
situation creates significant success for himself in his life.

The other substantial fact that should
be taken
under consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
businessmen took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
in their investment decisions. Since the past years, investment policies have close relation with having ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
. As an example, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
decide purchasing shares, if he has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
-reverse esprit, he would not be
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
. He is always
Consider using a past participle here: "worried".
worry
about the price volatility and price trend, then, he would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
and sell the shares in inappropriate time. On the contrast, if he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "decides", "decided".
decide
aggressively
and want to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
instead
, he would have tremendous profit latter. In fact, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
should be
rationally
and base on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
information,
on the other hand
, it would be devastating and destructive the
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s life completely.

The last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the list, taking adventurous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to behave and act more
precisely
and
meticulously
. This accuracy in doing the activities enhance the
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s performance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the fear of facing problems or defeats motivates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to try the best.
Hence
, this sense leads to a well-done job.

To recapitulate
briefly
, based on aforementioned reasons I can draw this conclusion that taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
can play crucial role in
Possible spelling mistake found.
someone&
#039; s success.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? Successful person try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already doing what they already know to do well. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
399 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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