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For many people shopping unwanted things is just a form of entertainment. v.1

For many people shopping unwanted things is just a form of entertainment. v. 1
It is observed that people spend their leisure time performing one or other activity. However, some individuals enjoy shopping in their free time. Some people consider purchasing items for enjoyment has positive outcomes while others refute this claim. Both these views will be critiqued before reaching a reasoned conclusion. On the one hand, there are a group of people who consider shopping has benefits. The primary reason for believing this is the fact that with the increase in the consumers in the market, there will be growth in the job opportunities. In other words, the problem of unemployment will be ceased to a greater extent. This will not only help job seekers to fulfil their and family's day to day needs but also decrease the crime rate within the country. On the other hand, some people believe that shopping for sake of amusement has many negative effects on society. People who have a tendency of buying things on daily basis just for fun end up buying many unwanted things, thereby, causing wastage of resources. In addition to this, people involved in shopping do not realise the importance of time in developing bonds with family members. This, it is obvious that considering shopping as entertainment not only results in wastage of assets but also wastage of precious time. Therefore, it is hard to see how anyone can support the idea of shopping in ideal time following the analysing both points of views on this topic. It is felt that it would be best to minimise market time and consume the same for improving relations.
It
is observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
performing one or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activity.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider purchasing items for enjoyment has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes while others refute this claim. Both these views will
be critiqued
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a reasoned conclusion.

On the one hand, there are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "groups"?
group
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has benefits. The primary reason for believing this is the fact that with the increase in the consumers in the market, there will be growth in the job opportunities. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the problem of unemployment will
be ceased
to a greater extent. This will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
job seekers to fulfil their and family's
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
decrease the crime rate within the country.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for sake of amusement has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who have a tendency of buying things on daily basis
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for fun
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unwanted things, thereby, causing wastage of resources.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
do not
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in developing bonds with family members. This, it is obvious that considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as entertainment not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
results in wastage of assets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
wastage of precious time.

Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how anyone can support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
following the
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
both points of views on this topic. It
is felt
that it would be best to
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimise' is British English.
minimise
market
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and consume the same for improving relations.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay For many people shopping unwanted things is just a form of entertainment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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