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For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but is a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v.1

For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but is a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 1
Few consider shopping as a leisure time activity, however those who depend on daily wedges, buying daily needs is a struggle. I believe, purchasing is not an entertainment activity, but is becoming a trend in society, which is a negative development. The major disadvantage of this trend is increased materialism. It has been observed that various companies are using famous celebrities to promote their brands and products. The followers of such promoters tend to buy those products blindly, even if they are not needed. In addition to this, young generation often follows fashion trends under peer pressure, hence end up spending huge amounts in shopping. As a result, they need more money to survive and hence have to ask extra money from their parents or work for extra hours. Moreover, people do not value money, if they treat shopping as a medium of entertainment. To illustrate, these days, credit card companies introducing various of offers on cards and gives few credits on each purchase, therefore youngsters usually enrol for such offers. Soon, they become addicted to use of credits and face big bills. Not paying bills on time may lead to negative consequences. Some may undergo depression if they do not spend time on shopping if it has become a habit. On the other side, there are some basic advantages such as economic enhancement of the society. These buyers play an important role in boosting the economical status of the society in the world by investing money in goods and keeping a strong cash flow. Second minor benefit is that it aids living standard, which keeps positivity in the society and encourages people to work for betterment. To conclude, although there are few minor advantages of shopping as a leisure time activity, in my opinion, it invites many negative aspects along with it if not handled in a controlled way.
Few consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
activity,
however
those who depend on daily wedges, buying daily needs is a struggle. I believe, purchasing is not an entertainment activity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is becoming a trend in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

The major disadvantage of this trend
is increased
materialism. It has
been observed
that various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are using
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
to promote their brands and products. The followers of such promoters tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those products
blindly
, even if they are not needed.
In addition
to this, young generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
follows fashion trends under peer pressure,
hence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up spending huge amounts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
As a result
, they need more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to survive and
hence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
ask extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from their parents or work for extra hours.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, if they treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a medium of entertainment. To illustrate, these days, credit card
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
introducing various of offers on cards and gives few credits on each
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
,
therefore
youngsters
usually
enrol for such offers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Soon
, they become addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of credits and face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
bills. Not paying bills on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
may lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may undergo depression if they do not spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
if it has become a habit.

On the other side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic advantages such as economic enhancement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. These buyers play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in boosting the
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
status of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in the world by investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and keeping a strong cash flow. Second minor benefit is that it aids living standard, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
positivity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to work for betterment.

To conclude
, although there are few minor advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
activity, in my opinion, it invites
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects along with it if not handled in a controlled way.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but is a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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