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Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices, like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers. Do the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices, like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers. Do the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
In recent years, different types of entertainment, such as movies and video games, became easily accessible with the use of modern technology. In my opinion, I think this development can bring more benefits to the society compared to any problems it might bring. Despite the drawbacks below, I believe that having easy access to films and games through mobile devices is significantly beneficial to the society today. Firstly, entertainment is at our fingertips. In other words, people who are usually on the go will still have access to some form of fun and leisure. Secondly, waiting in line will not be as boring and mundane as it was before. A patient, for instance, waiting for his turn for his monthly check-up with a cardiologist, can now use his cellphone to pass the time by engaging himself in mobile games, such as Marvel Super War and Candy Crush. Such forms of entertainment help people improve their quality of life as it enables them to feel at ease and relax anytime and anywhere. Admittedly, there are some issues involved when films and games are easily accessible through modern technology. Because people can access such entertainment any time, they could get addicted to it, which is one of the problems this development could pose. According to recent studies by the health and gaming department of Electronic Arts, also known as EA, minority of teenagers get addicted to mobile games since mobile devices are present in every household. These children do gaming for more than twelve hours a day, which is considered detrimental to health. Another negative aspect is that people who access movies and video games readily and regularly, might have the tendency to not do their work or daily tasks due to the fact that their focus is solely on the entertainment their brains can digest. But these issues can easily be managed by exhibiting self-control, limiting the usage time of devices and, most of all, knowing one’s priorities. In conclusion, the improvement in the quality of life that society can acquire through easily accessible entertainment from mobile devices clearly outweighs the disadvantages.
In recent years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of entertainment, such as movies and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, became
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
accessible with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of modern technology. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this development can bring more benefits to the society compared to any problems it might bring.

Despite the drawbacks below, I believe that having easy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to films and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
through mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
is
significantly
beneficial to the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Firstly
, entertainment is at our fingertips.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
usually
on the go will
still
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of fun and leisure.
Secondly
, waiting in line will not be as boring and mundane as it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. A patient,
for instance
, waiting for his turn for his monthly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
-up with a cardiologist, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
his cellphone to pass the time by engaging himself in mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, such as Marvel Super War and Candy Crush. Such forms of entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their quality of life as it enables them to feel at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and relax anytime and anywhere.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues involved when films and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
accessible through modern technology.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
such entertainment any time, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to it, which is one of the problems this development could pose. According to recent studies by the health and gaming department of Electronic Arts,
also
known as EA, minority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
since mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are present in every household. These children
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go gaming".
do gaming
for more than twelve hours a day, which
is considered
detrimental to health. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
movies and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
readily
and
regularly
, might have the tendency to not do their work or daily tasks due to the fact that their focus is
solely
on the entertainment their brains can digest.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
these issues can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
be managed
by exhibiting self-control, limiting the usage time of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and, most of all, knowing one’s priorities.

In conclusion
, the improvement in the quality of life that society can acquire through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
accessible entertainment from mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
clearly
outweighs the disadvantages.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices, like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers. Do the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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