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Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous? v.4

Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? v. 4
Film stars, music celebrities, and supermodels, people, who earn a lot of money and get attention positive or negative. But in fact, they do less than other people, whose professions are the most important, like doctors and engineers. Many people think that because of their prosperous life and due to the fact that everything they can from their studies they have already tried their life, it is empty and therefore they become depressed. You can buy anything you want and there is no more dream in your life and your friends want to become more popular thanks to you. Many celebrities with this type of lifestyle were trying to suicide. Kurt Cobain tried to commit suicide twice, swallowing pills for the first time, and then having failed, shot himself after a while. In his life, there were not enough real friends, and he did not like his own song, which everyone liked; He hated it. But as for me, most celebrities have problems with their personal lives, or rather with a lack of it. Every celebrity should keep an eye on what he says, how he dresses, and what he does at home, even when not in front of the because anxious fans can take photo of them at any time. and because of this lifestyle, most celebrities become addicted to alcohol or drugs, which also leads to an early death. For example, Machine Gun Kelly was addicted to alcohol and now is trying not to die because of it. In conclusion, I want to say that the life of celebrities is not easy, and they really pay with their health, and sometimes life for their popularity. We should not violate their personal space, because by doing so we show our disrespect, but certainly not that we like them.
Film stars, music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, and supermodels,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attention
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in fact, they do less than other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, whose professions are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, like doctors and engineers.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and due to the fact that everything they can from their studies they have already tried their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, it is empty and
therefore
they become depressed. You can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything you want and there is no more dream in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and your friends want to become more popular thanks to you.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
with this type of lifestyle were trying to suicide. Kurt Cobain tried to commit suicide twice, swallowing pills for the
first
time, and then having failed, shot himself after a while. In his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, there were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
real friends, and he did not like his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
song, which everyone liked; He hated it.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
as for me, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
have problems with their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, or
rather
with a lack of it. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on what he says, how he dresses, and what he does at home, even when not in front of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
anxious fans can take photo of them at any time.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
and
because of this
lifestyle, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
become addicted to alcohol or drugs, which
also
leads to an early death.
For example
, Machine Gun Kelly
was addicted
to alcohol and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is trying not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it.

In conclusion
, I want to say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is not easy, and they
really
pay with their health, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for their popularity. We should not violate their personal space,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
our disrespect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
certainly
not that we like them.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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