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Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basic. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time. v.2

Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basic. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time. v. 2
The decrease in the number of people who spend time walking every day is now a concerning problem in many countries. There are several reasons and solutions for this issue and I will be discussing it in this essay. There are two main reasons for this change in people’s routine. First of all, people are now having a different working schedule than they used to have in the past which makes it difficult for them to spend time walking. They usually go to walk early and come back home quite late, thus, they are only able to spend their free time which is already very limited to do their hobbies or relaxing. Moreover, due to the rapid development of economic, many countries have to cope with air pollution. Air pollution that might damage people’s breathing system, so people might avoid walking outside in order to keep their body safe. For instance, In Bejing, most people have to buy plenty of respirator mask when they go outside of their house because the air pollution level in this city is extremely high. Even though it is hard to encourage people to maintain the walking routine, several solutions still available to solve it. Firstly, upgrading facilities is one of the most efficient solutions this problem. The government should build more park and have more tree planted across the road to purify the air so more people could feel safe when they go outside to walk every day. Secondly, popularize the benefits of walking to citizens using the internet or creating walking competition is also an excellent idea. Due to this action, people could understand the advantage of walking every day and they might feel excited to make walking as they daily basic. In conclusion, the disappearance of walking routine might cause some negative effects for both the citizens as well as the society, however, the government could fix this problem using several solutions.
The decrease in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who spend time walking every day is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a concerning problem in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. There are several reasons and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
for this issue and I will be discussing it in this essay.

There are two main reasons for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
routine.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
working schedule than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have in the past which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it difficult for them to spend time walking. They
usually
go to walk early and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back home quite late,
thus
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
able to spend their free time which is already
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited to do their hobbies or relaxing.
Moreover
, due to the rapid development of economic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
cope with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
air
pollution.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Air
pollution that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
damage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
breathing system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
avoid walking outside in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their body safe.
For instance
, In
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bejing
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
Possible agreement error. The noun respirator seems to be countable; consider using: "plenty of respirators".
plenty of respirator
mask when they go
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
air
pollution level in this city is
extremely
high.

Even though
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain the walking routine, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
still
available to solve it.
Firstly
, upgrading facilities is one of the most efficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
this problem. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should build more park and have more tree planted across the road to purify the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
air
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could feel safe when they go outside to walk every day.
Secondly
, popularize the benefits of walking to citizens using the internet or creating walking competition is
also
an excellent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Due to this action,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could understand the advantage of walking every
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
feel excited to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
walking as they daily basic.

In conclusion
, the disappearance of walking routine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects for both the citizens
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
the society,
however
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
this problem using several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basic. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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