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Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basic. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time. v.1

Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basic. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time. v. 1
Many parents think that it is better to encourage children to have a habit of fighting, but in contrast, some concern that teaching children how to work in groups might be better because this might make children become more useful in the future. In spite of the dilemma, these also have some advantages and disadvantages. To begin with the opinion that children should be taught to compete with the others, for example, their classmate. In fact, competition is usually regarded as an act keeping people pushing harder in order to reach to the success. In addition, some weak points might be revealed during the term that children afford to fight each other. In a battle, for instance, if they do not address these weaknesses, their enemies will use these to strike back. By the way, this stereotype might contain some drawbacks such as this could make children feel lonely and be isolated. Thus, it is better for children to learn to compete themselves. On the other hand, teaching children how to work in group is the other side of the coin. We are living in the age of globalisation, which means we will not achieve everything if we are alone. In other words, children may have less opportunities in career than the others because of the sense of race. Learning is not only the one-way progress of teachers and students, it is a progress of making connection between people, it is a kind of social activity as well. Moreover, children may learn new things from their friends as well. Vietnamese ancient people used to state that we cannot break a group of chopsticks but every single one of those. To sum up, this opinion of having a sense of fighting might encourage children to be successful, but this also make them feel isolated. In contrast, learning to co-operate will help children be more confident. In my opinion, we could reduce the risks by educating children work together and equipping them a sense of self-competition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is better to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a habit of fighting,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
concern that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to work in groups
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become more useful in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the dilemma, these
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages and disadvantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
to compete with the others,
for example
, their classmate. In fact, competition is
usually
regarded as an act keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pushing harder in order to reach to the success.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
weak points
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be revealed
during the term that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
afford to fight each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
a battle,
for instance
, if they do not address these weaknesses, their enemies will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these to strike back. By the way, this stereotype
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks such as this could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel lonely and
be isolated
.
Thus
, it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn to compete themselves.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to work in group is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side of the coin. We are living in the age of
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
, which means we will not achieve everything if we are alone. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may have
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun opportunities is countable.
less
opportunities in career than the others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the sense of race. Learning is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the one-way progress of teachers and students, it is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "progress".
a progress
of making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, it is a kind of social activity
as well
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may learn new things from their friends
as well
. Vietnamese ancient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to state that we cannot break a group of chopsticks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
every single one of those.

To sum up, this opinion of having a sense of fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be successful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel isolated.
In contrast
, learning to co-operate will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
be more confident. In my opinion, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
by educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
work together and equipping them a sense of self-competition.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Fewer and fewer people walk on a daily basic. What are the reasons and how to encourage them to spend their time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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