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The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002 v.1

The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002 v. 1
Generations of the 21st century have access to high-developed technology, which entails dire ramifications, mainly depends on broadcast games that spoils the infant psychology. There is mounting concern, a big discussion over this issue among plenty of humankind and they accuse television games to an increase in crime. Nowadays, in many countries: per adolescent has at least one phone in their possession. Many of them waste their time playing program games displayed violent images. It is fact that young people under eighteen years old perceive what they notice. Provided that the toddler grows playing various computer action games, in the future they will act what they saw in the games. Certainly, it spoils at first, a psychology of an adolescent, secondly juvenile will grow more angry, cruel and mad. Thirdly, it leads an exaggeration in criminal actions. Because of this, a primary precursor of increasing crime has broadcast games with violent images. However, absence of emphasis from parents can been as one of the precursors of an adolescent’s atrocity. Parents have not been given a permit to hold the phone from an early age and educate their children to make right choices. Then, youth will not abuse in the future. Moreover, it is essential to take into account another vital aspect- the environment of the person. A human grows looking at his peers, friends. If man’s surroundings is not good, obviously, and the man will be the same as his friends. This person can do criminal offences because of a bad behaviour of peers. To conclude, blame only violent games for rising offences is absurd. From my point of view, crimes can be done because of lack of nurture from parents or can influence the behaviour of playmate.
Generations of the 21st century have access to high-developed technology, which entails dire ramifications,
mainly
depends on broadcast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that spoils the infant psychology. There is mounting concern, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
discussion over this issue among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
humankind and
they accuse television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to an increase in crime.

Nowadays, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries: per adolescent has at least one phone in their possession.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them waste their time playing program
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
displayed violent images. It is fact that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
under eighteen years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
perceive what they notice. Provided that the toddler grows playing various computer action
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, in the future they will act what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Certainly
, it spoils at
first
, a psychology of an adolescent,
secondly
juvenile will grow more angry, cruel and mad.
Thirdly
, it leads an exaggeration in criminal actions.
Because of this
, a primary precursor of increasing crime has broadcast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with violent images.

However
, absence of emphasis from parents
Did you mean "can be" or "has been"?
can been
as one of the precursors of an adolescent’s atrocity. Parents have not been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a permit to hold the phone from an early age and educate their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
right choices. Then, youth will not abuse in the future.

Moreover
, it is essential to take into account another vital aspect- the environment of the person. A human grows looking at his peers, friends. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
’s surroundings is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
obviously
, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
will be the same as his friends. This person can do criminal
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of peers.

To conclude
, blame
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for rising
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
is absurd. From my point of view, crimes can
be done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of nurture from parents or can influence the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of playmate.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002 v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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