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Few people like to buy technical device as soon as they are lunched while, other like to buy after the reviews. Which do you prefer and why? v.2

Few people like to buy technical device as soon as they are lunched while, other like to buy after the reviews. Which do you prefer and why? v. 2
In modern era, due to the surging demand of technology, people invented various things. Some people like to purchase new invention products as soon as possible for boast off and in excited to products. However, I prefer to buy new invented things after get the knowledge about it. I feel this way for two reasons which I will explore in following essay. First of all, purchasing new device after some months so it helps to save money. In business world, new device launch their price always high but gradually decrease the product price with time. My experience compelling this idea, two years ago, Apple Company launched I Phone 6 plus, at time my brother bought this phone 60000 rupees but I bought same phone 30000 rupees after three month. It is huge money difference. I always believe to save money which is use for my expenses, so I have not longer depended on my parents for pocket money. In addition, I can also protect my money from wastage because many times product useless. In advertisement product mislead to customer but when some people give review then, person get true information. For instance, one year ago, I planned to buy car. My sister and I went to car showroom and we decided to purchase I-20 car. Next day, I read some review of car that I realize that I make wrong thought about the car. The car does not give enough mileage and huge maintenance of car. Accordingly, I believe that first get the review of products and after buy it. Secondly, another advantage of purchasing product late is getting various choice of product. Many companies strategies that launching new product after they also launch related product in few months. Sometimes previous product quality was less pleasant than after products. Again take example of I Phone Company, every year company launch new I phone with variety of feature. In I phone 6 I heard lots of complains from the friends that it was hang out and sometimes screen become plain white and keyboard not worked. So, that time I bought Samsung due to good review and still I use that phone. In conclusion, although many people purchase new invented device at time for maintaining high status in society, I believe to get review of device before purchasing it. Old items not only save money but also get the huge choice to purchasing other items with good features.
In modern era, due to the surging demand of technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
invented various things.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
invention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible for boast off and in excited to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
However
, I prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
invented things after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the knowledge about it. I feel this way for two reasons which I will explore in following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
months
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In business world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
launch their price always high
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
gradually
decrease the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
price with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. My experience compelling this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, two years ago, Apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
launched I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Phone
6 plus, at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
my brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
60000 rupees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
30000 rupees after three
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
. It is huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
difference. I always believe to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for my expenses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I have not longer depended on my parents for pocket money.

In addition
, I can
also
protect my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from wastage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "times'" or "time's"?
times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
useless. In advertisement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
mislead to customer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
review
then, person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
true information.
For instance
, one year ago, I planned to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
. My sister and I went to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
showroom and
we decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
I-20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
.
Next
day, I read
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
review
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
that I realize that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
does not give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
mileage and huge maintenance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
.
Accordingly
, I believe that
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
review
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.

Secondly
, another advantage of purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
late is getting various choice of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
strategies that launching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
after they
also
launch related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
in few months.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
previous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
quality was less pleasant than after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. Again take example of I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
, every year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
launch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
with variety of feature. In I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
6 I heard lots of
Did you mean "complaints"?
complains
from the friends that it was
Consider using a past participle here: "hanged", "hung".
hang
out and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
screen become plain white and keyboard not worked.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
Samsung due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
review
and
still
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that phone.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
invented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for maintaining high status in society, I believe to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
review
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
purchasing it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Old
items not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the huge choice to purchasing other items with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
features.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
59Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Few people like to buy technical device as soon as they are lunched while, other like to buy after the reviews. Which do you prefer and why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
406 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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