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Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough. v.2

Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough. v. 2
Everyone has undergone through difficult changes and experienced ups and downs in his or her life. It is undoubtedly a normal trend in our life. However, I do not entirely agree that failure is dependent only on someone’s insufficient wish to succeed in a specific area. It does not seem unreasonable to suggest that during evaluation of this situation many factors should be counted. Someone, for instance, may have set a goal to launch a business but unexpectedly got married. This case is understandable and does not deserve any blame. One may prefer making a family while another would rather continue going straightforward to his or her dream. It is an individual choice based on personal preferences and life principles. On the other hand, I agree that failure means the person was not goal-driven and self-disciplined enough. This relates to many cases including a well-known problem with obesity. If a person has decided to lose a certain amount of weight then no obstacles should stop him. He does not have to give any easy or make excuses. In fact, if his goal is not achieved, as a result he will not prove to himself he is strong and motivated human being. It means his wish was not powerful enough. The famous and great people of history have tried many things over and over again and there were lots of experiment that were not successful. The failure is not the key measurement of the determination and effort put towards accomplishing something. , One could draw the conclusion that everything depends on an individual. Human being may accomplish tremendous results as a proof of indescribably powerful motivation or end up without completing fully his task.
Everyone has undergone through difficult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and experienced ups and downs in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
life. It is
undoubtedly
a normal trend in our life.
However
, I do not
entirely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that failure is dependent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on someone’s insufficient wish to succeed in a specific area.

It does not seem unreasonable to suggest that during evaluation of this situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors should
be counted
. Someone,
for instance
, may have set a goal to launch a business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unexpectedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married. This case is understandable and does not deserve any blame. One may prefer making a family while another would
rather
continue going straightforward to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
dream. It is an individual choice based on personal preferences and life principles.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that failure means the person was not goal-driven and self-disciplined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. This relates to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases including a well-known problem with obesity. If a person has decided to lose a certain amount of weight then no obstacles should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
him. He does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give any easy or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
excuses. In fact, if his goal is not achieved,
as a result
he will not prove to himself he is strong and motivated human being. It means his wish was not powerful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of history have tried
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things over and over again and there were lots of experiment that were not successful. The failure is not the key measurement of the determination and effort put towards accomplishing something.
Loose punctuation mark.
,


One could draw the conclusion that everything depends on an individual. Human being may accomplish tremendous results as a proof of
indescribably
powerful motivation or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up without completing
fully
his task.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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