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Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough’ To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.2

Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough’ v. 2
GENERALLY, PEOPLE DO VARIOUS THINKGS TO BE SUCCESS IN THEIR LIFE, BUT SOMETIMES, THEY FAIL. SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT, THIS HAPPENS ONLY WHEN THEY DO NOT HAVE STRONG PASSION, WHICH IS THE EVIDENCE OF ANY FAILURE. FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, SOMETIMES LACK OF KNOWLEDGE COULD ALSO BE A PROOF FOR THIS AND HAVING NOT A STRONG DESIRE IN OTHER TIMES. TO BEGIN WITH, THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT, PEOPLE BECOME FAIL IN THEIR LIVES BECAUSE THEY HAD LESS WISH. I THINK, THIS OCCUR ONLY, WHEN PEOPLE CHOOSE THE ADVICE OF OTHERS, WHICH IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THEM BUT, THEY TEND TO DO SO DUE TO THE POSITIVE EFFECTS ON THEIR PARTNER CAREER. THEY THINK THAT, IF THEIR MENTOR BECAME SUCCESSFUL THEN HE OR SHE COULD ALSO SUCCEED IN IT. FOR EXAMPLE, ITALY USED SAME APPROACHES TO HANDLE THE CORONAVIRUS, WHICH WAS SPREADING FASTLY FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER, THEY LOCKDOWN THE WHOLE COUNTRY AS CHINA DID. BUT, THE PERCENTAGES OF THIS VIRUS IN PEOPLE WERE SEEN TRIPPLED THAN THAT OF CHINA. SO, I THINK, ASPIRATION CANNOT PROOF THIS. HOWEVER, IN SOME OF THE CASES, PEOPLE TEND TO STRUGGLE BECAUSE THEY DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH PASSION IN OTHER WORDS, IF A CHILD CONTINUE TO FAIL IN EXAMS, IT MEANS THAT, HE OR SHE NOT LIKE THE COURSE, SO THAT’S WHY, WITHOUT ANY PASSION FOR THAT FIELD CAN LEAD TO FAIL. BUT, THIS ALSO EMPHASSIS MORE ON CHOICES, THEY DO SO BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS ALLOWDED THEM TO TAKE SUBJECT ACCORDING TO THEIR PREFERENCES. TO SUMMARIZE THIS, WE CANNOT EVIDENCE FAILURE WITH NOT STRONG HUNGER. I TATALLY DISAGREE WITH TIS STATEMENT. I THINK, BECOME UNSUCCESS BECAUSE THEY COPY OTHERS, WHICH IS THE STRONG PROOF OF ANY PEOPLE WHO FAIL IN HIS CAREER.
GENERALLY
,
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PEOPLE
DO VARIOUS
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THINKGS
TO BE SUCCESS IN THEIR LIFE,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
SOMETIMES
, THEY
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FAIL
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SOME
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PEOPLE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
THINK
THAT, THIS HAPPENS
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ONLY
WHEN THEY DO NOT HAVE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
STRONG
PASSION, WHICH IS THE EVIDENCE OF ANY FAILURE. FROM MY POINT OF VIEW,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
SOMETIMES
LACK OF KNOWLEDGE COULD
ALSO
BE A PROOF FOR THIS AND HAVING NOT A
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STRONG
DESIRE IN
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OTHER
TIMES.

TO
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
BEGIN
WITH, THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT,
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PEOPLE
BECOME
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FAIL
IN THEIR
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LIVES
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BECAUSE
THEY HAD LESS WISH. I
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THINK
,
The verb 'OCCUR' is plural. Did you mean: "THIS occurs"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
THIS OCCUR
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ONLY
, WHEN
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PEOPLE
CHOOSE THE ADVICE OF OTHERS, WHICH IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THEM
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BUT
, THEY TEND TO DO
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
DUE TO THE
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
POSITIVE
EFFECTS ON THEIR PARTNER CAREER. THEY
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
THINK
THAT, IF THEIR MENTOR BECAME SUCCESSFUL THEN HE OR SHE COULD
ALSO
SUCCEED IN IT.
FOR EXAMPLE
, ITALY
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
USED
SAME APPROACHES TO HANDLE THE CORONAVIRUS, WHICH WAS SPREADING
Possible spelling mistake found.
FASTLY
FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER, THEY
The word 'LOCKDOWN' is a noun. Did you mean the verb "LOCK down"?
LOCKDOWN
THE WHOLE COUNTRY AS CHINA DID.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
, THE PERCENTAGES OF THIS VIRUS IN
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PEOPLE
WERE
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SEEN
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TRIPPLED
THAN THAT OF CHINA.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
, I
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THINK
, ASPIRATION CANNOT PROOF THIS.

HOWEVER
, IN
If the text is a generality, 'OF THE' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
SOME OF THE
CASES,
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PEOPLE
TEND TO STRUGGLE
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BECAUSE
THEY DID NOT HAVE
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ENOUGH
PASSION IN
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OTHER
WORDS, IF A CHILD CONTINUE TO
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FAIL
IN EXAMS, IT MEANS THAT, HE OR SHE NOT LIKE THE COURSE,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
THAT’S WHY, WITHOUT ANY PASSION FOR THAT FIELD CAN LEAD TO
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FAIL
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
, THIS
ALSO
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EMPHASSIS
MORE ON CHOICES, THEY DO
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BECAUSE
THEIR PARENTS
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ALLOWDED
THEM TO TAKE SUBJECT ACCORDING TO THEIR PREFERENCES.

TO SUMMARIZE
THIS, WE CANNOT EVIDENCE FAILURE WITH NOT
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STRONG
HUNGER. I
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TATALLY
DISAGREE WITH TIS STATEMENT. I
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THINK
, BECOME
Possible spelling mistake found.
UNSUCCESS
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BECAUSE
THEY COPY OTHERS, WHICH IS THE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
STRONG
PROOF OF ANY
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PEOPLE
WHO
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FAIL
IN HIS CAREER.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough’ v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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