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Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.5

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 5
Recently it has been argued among people that government should ban excessive sports games like sky diving and skiing. Although I do not agree with the statement of banning, actually these kinds of activities are played under strict supervision furthermore people are enjoying it in their leisure time. Firstly, I believe that extremes games, for example sky diving and skiing are a little risky. And the government regulates these centres with strict rules and regulation. So far the individuals are not allowed without training and guidelines. Before going into diving all precautionary measurements are considered in the presences of trained personnel. My cousin was telling me her experience how they were trained before and during her whole sky diving a trainer was with them and giving instruction to enjoy it to the fullest. Secondly, people are enjoying intense games and they feel the thrill of performing these activities in their free time. We all live in a world where everyone is busy in working or studying in which we all most forget to enjoy our life. So in this situation everybody needs an adventure game which make their life excited for some time. So I do not believe in banning such games. To conclude, some thinker suppose that sky diving and skiing should bane and are dangerous for health, while I believe that these games are performed under full safety and people feel ecstasy in exploring such games
Recently it has
been argued
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ban excessive sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like sky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diving
and skiing. Although I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement of banning, actually these kinds of activities
are played
under strict supervision
furthermore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are enjoying it in their leisure time.

Firstly
, I believe that extremes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
for example
sky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diving
and skiing are a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
risky. And the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
regulates these
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
with strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
far the individuals are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
without training and guidelines.
“Before” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Before
going into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diving
all precautionary measurements
are considered
in the presences of trained personnel. My cousin was telling me her experience how they
were trained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and during her whole sky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diving
a trainer was with them and giving instruction to enjoy it to the fullest.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are enjoying intense
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
they feel the thrill of performing these activities in their free time. We all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a world where everyone is busy in working or studying in which we all most forget to enjoy our life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in this situation everybody needs an adventure game which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life excited for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I do not believe in banning such games.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "thinkers"?
thinker
suppose that sky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diving
and skiing should bane and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for health, while I believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are performed
under full safety and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel ecstasy in exploring such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
237 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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