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Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.2

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 2
There are many varieties of games included in the sports which includes outdoor as well as indoor but those are not risky. There are many other activities which have so much of danger such as sky diving, skiing etc. Although people knows that it has many drawbacks but still they tries to perform that. Because of that many people thinks that it should be banned in the world. My view is described below with the explaination. We all know that adventure activity has no gurantee of life because it always performed in the sky or else in the water. Moreover, there are lot of problems can come while performing those kind of stunt. Certain things like bungee jumping, skiing needs training and practice, still it does not have any security of life. For an Example, Sky diving is the activity where you go in to sky in plane and you have to jump by yourself from 25, 000 squre feet height and that is also alone. Parasuit is attached on your back but you need know when to open and when you can land otherwise you will not survive. Because of high risk of death is associated with it, it should not be allowed in the society. Furthermore, this all extreme sports attracts people who wants do such kind of thriller experience in their life because they believe that they can take out their height fear or water fear by performing stunts. However, it also have some security but sametime they get the concern from the people that if something will go wrong during that play, than perosn itself will be responsible for that. In addition to this, no matter how much measures has been taken during this, risk is always there. For example, recently in Canada one person who's age was 35 and he went to attempt bunjee jumping and he was standing at the highest point from where he has to jump down and he saw at the bottom. He got heart attack after looking at the depth. So if government has to take some steps towards extreme sports. To conclude, In my opinion I agree with the statement that activities associated with the potential risks should be banned than only nobody will try to learn or wish to do those. whereas, they have to promote sports which can help people physically and mentally.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
varieties of games included in the sports which includes outdoor
as well
as indoor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
those are not risky. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
such as
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
, skiing etc. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
knows
that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "try"
tries
to perform that.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that it should
be banned
in the world. My view is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
below with the
Possible spelling mistake found.
explaination
.

We all know that adventure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
has no
Possible spelling mistake found.
gurantee
of life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it always performed in the sky or else in the water.
Moreover
, there are
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
problems can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
while performing
Did you mean "this kind" or "those kinds"?
those kind
of stunt. Certain things like bungee jumping, skiing needs training and practice,
still
it does not have any security of life. For an Example,
Did you mean "skydiving"?
Sky diving
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
where you go in to sky in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
and you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
jump by yourself from 25, 000
Possible spelling mistake found.
squre
feet height and
that is
also
alone.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Parasuit
is attached
on your back
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you need know when to open and when you can land
otherwise
you will not survive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of death
is associated
with it, it should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in the society.

Furthermore
, this all extreme sports attracts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Probably a preposition is missing after 'wants'.
wants do
such kind of thriller experience in their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe that they can take out their height fear or water fear by performing stunts.
However
, it
also
Did you mean "has"?
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
security
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Possible spelling mistake found.
sametime
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the concern from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that if something will go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
during that play, than
Possible spelling mistake found.
perosn
itself will be responsible for that.
In addition
to this, no matter how
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
measures has
been taken
during this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
is always there.
For example
, recently in Canada one person
Did you mean "whose age"?
who's age
was
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
35 and
he went to attempt
Possible spelling mistake found.
bunjee
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
jumping and
he was standing at the highest point from where he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
jump
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
down and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
at the bottom. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
heart attack after looking at the depth.
“So if” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps towards extreme sports.

To conclude
, In my opinion I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
associated with the potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
should
be banned
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
nobody will try to learn or wish to do those.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
whereas
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
promote sports which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
physically
and mentally.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
23Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
396 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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