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The responsibility of bringing up children should be shared equally between mother and father v.4

The responsibility of bringing up children should be shared equally between mother and father v. 4
It is generally considered that children are generally taken care of by mother and father is solely responsible for financial aspect of family. I completely disagree with this statement because family is incomplete, having exclusively of any parent and it is the responsibility of both parents to look after their children. Firstly, both mother and father are equivalently responsible for bringing up children as it helps children to be a fine character citizen. In the absence of a parent whether it is mother or father creates a lack of security in child’s mind. For example, Prime Minister of India Narendra modi was growing up as a single parent child and he had to face financial issues in their family due to lack of resources. So that is why it is important to have both parents and their enrolment for a child’s life. Secondly, imagine the situation where child responsibilities are owned by only one parent. It can be the worst case scenario for any children, which might cause social issues or discrepancy in child’s though process. It may consequently result in psychological and behavioural issue with the child. For instance, There was a child in my neighbour who consumed poison due to loneliness at home in the absence of his mother and insecurity of isolation made him kill. Thus, it becomes necessary for parents to share children responsibility equally. To conclude, I strongly believe parents should share the accountability of children equally as it would help children to grow up as strong person with calmness and sense of responsibility
It is
generally
considered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
generally
taken care of by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
and father is
solely
responsible for financial aspect of family. I completely disagree with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
family is incomplete, having exclusively of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
and it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to look after their children.

Firstly
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
and father are
equivalently
responsible for bringing up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be a fine character citizen. In the absence of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
whether it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
or father creates a lack of security in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
mind.
For example
, Prime Minister of India Narendra
Possible spelling mistake found.
modi
was growing up as a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
child and
he had to face financial issues in their family due to lack of resources.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that is
why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
life.

Secondly
, imagine the situation where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
. It can be the worst case scenario for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which might cause social issues or discrepancy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
though process. It may
consequently
result in psychological and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
issue with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
.
For instance
, There was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbour' is British English.
neighbour
who consumed poison due to loneliness at home in the absence of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
and insecurity of isolation made him kill.
Thus
, it becomes necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to share
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
equally
.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should share the accountability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to grow up as strong person with calmness and sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay The responsibility of bringing up children should be shared equally between mother and father v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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