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Explain an memory that motivate you to make an important decision? v.2

Explain an memory that motivate you to make an important decision? v. 2
It was the middle of June that I found Rapunzel. It was not Rapunzel, which I found after a long time, they were my dreams, that breath again. Rapunzel was my first barbie and first souvenir, which I did not choose by myself, yet it was similar to what I wanted. I was so young, around 5 or 6, and from all things that they talked about, I understood that my mother`s cousin (Ali Najafi) brings this gorgeous barbie from a planet that called Europe for me. I concluded that he went there to study, so everyone can go to this planet just by studying (actually he went there for research), and again, I assumed that where he studied was not good enough that he came back. I made a sequent conclusion and decided to go there by my dear Rapunzel so that I asked my mother to introduce a country to me on this planet; consequently, She explained a country that I could not memorize its name. However, I understood that there is full of various flowers with wonderful weather and somewhere new, after that I promised to Rapunzel and myself to travel there. All summer, when my mother practiced English to me and told me that I could communicate with this language to people from all over the world, I tried hard to learn new vocabulary as more as I can, and my childhood pasted with the songs of magic English movies. But, as I grow, Rapunzel and my dream become pale; eventually, I put Rapunzel and the dream of immigration to Europe into the box. A long-time pasted until we decided to change our house, I found that old box which brought me to around thirteen years ago, when I decided to immigrate to Netherland. A thought pops into my mind to apply for a university. I know IELTS is a long term process, and four months is a short time to get ready for IELTS; however, I believe that I can obtain the needed score as soon as possible. I always strive to be my best, and my various abilities in handling different tasks could be a big help for me to participate in a challenging course. I am a good orator, and most of my friends think that I can be a successful lawyer due to my power to convince people; however, now it is too hard in English. Also, I can solve physic, math, and chemistry problems I like to deal with complex ones and working with numbers or using the intelligent method, in fact, I showed them during my school time. In addition, I always pay attention to non-school courses such as swimming- for two years since I was nine, then I registered in chess class, which last year my teammate and I became tired place finisher in the provincial championships, I also played squash- again two years since I was fourteen, now I play music and joint in a music competition with a group last month, then we accepted in the first stage. All these fields motivate me to besides the economy, apply for the liberal art and sciences, the subject which I can expand my election scope. My creativity, ability, and interest in various majors can help me to be a useful person, not only for my society but also for the whole world. To illustrate, last year, in history class, without knowing the exact reason for the political goals of prior governments, I suggested logical reasoning behind the past decisions of the previous states, and also, my teacher compared my questions to one of the distinguished people in the history of Iran. I am a perfectionist person who likes to be a part of world improvement instead of being only a consumer. As a result of that, I assumed if I join in an appropriate situation, I can develop my solution in diverse fields and issues. My responsibility, hard-working and perspective make me a worthy person for this major. After my decision to immigrate, choosing a university becomes my first concern. As I said before, Ali, one of your bachelor economy student, explained Maastricht University to me, then I started to read about your university. I think UM and UCM, due to what they achieved and their problem-based learning approach, can be a suitable place for my improvement. For instance, 24% of UCM students, graduated from one of the top 50 universities in the world were assured me about UCM. Moreover, I want to continue my studies to master or more to specialize my knowledge in a proper major that related to my abilities and partake better in world progression, hence there is no end for the science and changes. SABA HASHEMI
It was the middle of June that I found Rapunzel. It was not Rapunzel, which I found after a long time, they were my dreams, that breath again. Rapunzel was my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
barbie and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
souvenir, which I did not choose by myself,
yet
it was similar to what I wanted. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
young, around 5 or 6, and from all things that they talked about, I understood that my
The character between 'mother' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "mother’s" (curly apostrophe) or "mother's" (straight apostrophe).
mother`s
cousin (Ali
Possible spelling mistake found.
Najafi
) brings this gorgeous barbie from a planet that called Europe for me. I concluded that he went there to study,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
everyone can go to this planet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by studying (actually he went there for research), and again, I assumed that where he studied was not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
that he came back.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
made a
Possible spelling mistake found.
sequent
conclusion and decided to go there by my dear Rapunzel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I asked my mother to introduce a country to me on this planet;
consequently
, She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
a country that I could not memorize its name.
However
, I understood that there is full of various flowers with wonderful weather and somewhere new, after that I promised to Rapunzel and
Please check whether you should use the object pronoun "me".
myself
to travel there. All summer, when my mother practiced English to me and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that I could communicate with this language to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, I tried
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to learn new vocabulary as
Did you mean "much"?
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
I can, and my childhood pasted with the songs of magic English movies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, as I grow, Rapunzel and my dream become pale;
eventually
, I put Rapunzel and the dream of immigration to Europe into the box. A long-time pasted until we decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, I found that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
box which brought me to around thirteen years ago, when I decided to immigrate to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Netherland
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "pop"?
pops
into my mind to apply for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. I know IELTS is a long term process, and four months is a short time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ready for IELTS;
however
, I believe that I can obtain the needed score as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. I always strive to be my best, and my various abilities in handling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tasks could be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for me to participate in a challenging course.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
orator, and most of my friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that I can be a successful lawyer due to my power to convince
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
;
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in English.
Also
, I can solve physic, math, and chemistry problems I like to deal with complex ones and working with numbers or using the intelligent method, in fact, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
them during my school time.
In addition
, I always pay attention to non-school courses such as swimming- for two years since I was nine, then I registered in chess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, which last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
my teammate and I became tired place finisher in the provincial championships, I
also
played squash- again two years since I was fourteen,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I play music and joint in a music competition with a group last month, then we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
stage. All these fields motivate me to
besides
the economy, apply for the liberal art and sciences, the subject which I can expand my election scope. My creativity, ability, and interest in various majors can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to be a useful person, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for my society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. To illustrate, last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, in history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, without knowing the exact reason for the political goals of prior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, I suggested logical reasoning behind the past decisions of the previous states, and
also
, my teacher compared my questions to one of the distinguished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the history of Iran. I am a perfectionist person who likes to be a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
improvement
instead
of being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a consumer.
As a result
of that, I assumed if I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in an appropriate situation, I can develop my solution in diverse fields and issues. My responsibility,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working and perspective
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
me a worthy person for this major.

After my decision to immigrate, choosing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
becomes my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
concern. As I said
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, Ali, one of your bachelor economy student,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
Maastricht
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
to me, then I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to read about your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
UM and UCM, due to what they achieved and their problem-based learning approach, can be a suitable place for my improvement.
For instance
, 24% of UCM students, graduated from one of the top 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
were assured
me about UCM.
Moreover
, I want to continue my studies to master or more to specialize my knowledge in a proper major that related to my abilities and partake better in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
progression,
hence
there is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
for the science and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.

Possible spelling mistake found.
SABA
Possible spelling mistake found.
HASHEMI
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes

IELTS essay Explain an memory that motivate you to make an important decision? v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
791 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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