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EX: Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individuals can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion? v.2

EX: Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individuals can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion? v. 2
Discussing about how to dramatic changes in community. Some people consider that the authorities have charge for developing country, others believed that human activities can make more effective. In my opinion, I total argue the authorities have impact more than. The authority is the leading organization in a country so that those people should have more solution to improve developing country as well as in community. Firstly, the authorities play an important rules in both of human and community. In order to improve the knowledge, the national authorities should put more emphasis on raising people’s awareness of many fields, owning to reduce the theft rates. Besides, governments enhance the quality of life for all citizens though running many campaigns such as strict controlling on pollution, constructing more public transport to reduce traffic congestion especially during the rush of hours. Secondly, the national authorities can raise taxes on cigarettes to persuade more people to give up smoking, owning to protect their health as well as developing the environmentally friendly. Another point to make dramatic changes by the government that is important to prioritize spending on welfare especially the elder people and children by investing in medical research, educational organization. Finally, the government should be to ban especially people who using drunk, or maybe crimes In conclusion, I believed that people always abide which proposed by the rules of the national and local authorities, it will bring more significant changes in the community.
Did you mean simply "Discussing how"? You do not need the word "about" here.
Discussing about how
to dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
have charge for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
, others believed that human activities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more effective. In my opinion, I total argue the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
have impact more than.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
is the leading organization in a country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have more solution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
as well
as in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "rule"?
rules
in both of human and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the knowledge, the national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
should put more emphasis on raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
awareness of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, owning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the theft rates.
Besides
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
enhance the quality of life for all citizens though running
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
campaigns such as strict controlling on pollution, constructing more public transport to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
traffic congestion
especially
during the rush of hours.
Secondly
, the national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
can raise taxes on cigarettes to persuade more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to give up smoking, owning to protect their health
as well
as developing the
environmentally
friendly.

Another point to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to prioritize spending on welfare
especially
the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and children by investing in medical research, educational organization.
Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should be to ban
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who using drunk, or maybe crimes

In conclusion
, I believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always abide which proposed by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
of the national and local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
, it will bring more significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay EX: Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individuals can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
241 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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