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If you could make one important change in the educational system of your country, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v.2

If you could make one important change in the educational system of your country, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v. 2
Nowadays it is undeniable that education has a significant role in the development of the country. So modifying the educational system is one of the important action of developing countries. In my opinion educational system of developing countries has been considered less because of their other issues such as economic problems, therefore, many defects and shortages can be seen in this system. So governments, in order to develop their countries, must reform their educational system. As far as I am concerned some of these defects – that is – low salary of teachers, lack of the supervision of teaching and a gap between universities and industries are the most conspicuous ones. The most important reason is that low salary of teachers forces them to look for another work besides teaching. Therefore they lose their concentrate on teaching and as a result, a quality of the education is decreased. Thus increasing the allowance of teachers is so important change because it improves their tranquility and as a result not only can they presence concentrated in class but also they can provide their all knowledge to students. In addition, low salary caused to some teachers do not do their best work in class and get extra money from students to teach them as a private tutor. So by resolving this problem, teachers work conscientiously and the level of the education is increased. The second reason is the lack of the supervision of teaching. In classes, there is no supervision of teachers teaching, so sometimes they do not work conscientiously. In my opinion, for example, by installing cameras in classes, recording all courses and uploading movies of them subsequently to the website of the university, anyone can see what happens in the classes and teachers how do their work. So by this way, the performance of teachers is monitored, and consequently, teachers should do their best. Last but not least, a gap between universities and industries is a serious problem that must be reformed. Because of this problem, students after graduating from universities cannot find a proper job, so that the unemployment is rising sharply in the society, and unfortunately sometimes graduated students are forced to migrate to other countries, and we lost these precious capitals. In this regard, increasing relationships between universities and industries, determining research topics by industries, and carrying out these topics by university students, bridge this gap and as a result, prepare students to get a proper job in the future and also imparts industries from updated technologies. To sum up, in order to have a developed country, we are to reform our educational system in three main areas, namely having a particularly purposed increasing wage of teachers, monitoring the performance of teachers in the classes, and finally bridging a gap between universities and industries. I hope, someday, our authorities can solve these problems and not only develop our countries but also prevent from migrating of our graduated students to other countries.
Nowadays it is undeniable that education has a significant role in the development of the
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country
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
modifying the
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educational
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system
is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
action of developing
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countries
. In my opinion
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educational
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system
of developing
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countries
has
been considered
less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their other issues such as economic
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problems
,
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
defects and shortages can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in this
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system
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, in order to develop their
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countries
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
reform their
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educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
. As far as I
am concerned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these defects
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–
that is
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
low salary of
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teachers
, lack of the supervision of
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teaching
and a
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gap
between
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universities
and
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industries
are the most conspicuous ones.

The most
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important
reason is that low salary of
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teachers
forces them to look for another
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work
besides
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teaching
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they lose their concentrate on
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teaching
and
as a result
, a quality of the education
is decreased
.
Thus
increasing the allowance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their tranquility and
as a result
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they presence
concentrated in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they can provide their all knowledge to
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students
.
In addition
, low salary caused to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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teachers
do not do their best
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work
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
extra money from
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students
to teach them as a private tutor.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
by resolving this
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problem
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
conscientiously
and the level of the education
is increased
.

The second reason is the lack of the supervision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, there is no supervision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
conscientiously
. In my opinion,
for example
, by installing cameras in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, recording all courses and uploading movies of them
subsequently
to the website of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, anyone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
what happens in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
how do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
by this way, the performance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
is monitored
, and
consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should do their best.

Last
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but
not least, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and
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industries
is a serious
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problem
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be reformed
.
Because of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after graduating from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
cannot find a proper job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the unemployment is rising
sharply
in the society, and unfortunately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are forced
to migrate to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, and we lost these precious capitals. In this regard, increasing relationships between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
, determining research topics by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
, and carrying out these topics by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, bridge this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
and
as a result
, prepare
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students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a proper job in the future and
also
imparts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
from updated technologies.

To sum up, in order to have a developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, we are to reform our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
in three main areas,
namely
having a
particularly
purposed increasing wage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
, monitoring the performance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, and
finally
bridging a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
. I hope, someday, our authorities can solve these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
develop our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from migrating of our graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
22Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
71Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay If you could make one important change in the educational system of your country, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
493 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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