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Everyone should start eating vegetarian because it helps improve health. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Everyone should start eating vegetarian because it helps improve health. v. 1
It is often argued that it is more advantageous to choose a profession with high wage, even if it doesn't appeal to you at all. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that job satisfaction is much more important than salary. First of all, I believe that job satisfaction gives people a sense of fulfilment that no money can guarantee. Even if someone is earning a high salary, but feels tensed and compromises with his conscience, this person won’t enjoy his life. While pursuing one’s interests will always bring pleasure and a feeling of satisfaction. For example, a lot of famous researchers made their career choices, not because of appealing wages, but because they were passionate about science. That’s why it’s more important to choose the kind of work that makes you happier than to look only at a high salary. Secondly, doing what you like keeps you motivated and therefore leads to a career growth. In other words, there is a strong relation between job satisfaction and productivity. People who love their jobs can easily excel in their fields of work and achieve better results than those, who put a salary in the first place. For instance, Henry Miller decided to leave his everyday job despite a good wage and ventured to become a writer. And after enduring years of ups and downs he became one of the most famous and well-paid authors of the twentieth century. Thus, advantages of jobs that keep you satisfied outweigh the drawback of a low salary in a long-term perspective. To conclude, I strongly believe that job satisfaction is more beneficial than high salary because it makes people happy and motivated.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that it is more advantageous to choose a profession with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wage, even if it doesn't appeal to you at all. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
is much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than salary.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
gives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
that no money can guarantee. Even if someone is earning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
feels tensed and compromises with his conscience, this person won’t enjoy his life. While pursuing one’s interests will always bring pleasure and a feeling of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
researchers made their career choices, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of appealing wages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were passionate about science. That’s why it’s more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to choose the kind of work that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you happier than to look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
salary.

Secondly
, doing what you like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
you motivated and
therefore
leads to a career growth.
In other words
, there is a strong relation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
and productivity.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can
easily
excel in their fields of work and achieve better results than those, who put a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
in the
first
place.
For instance
, Henry Miller decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
his everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
despite a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
wage and ventured to become a writer. And after enduring years of ups and downs he became one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and well-paid authors of the twentieth century.
Thus
, advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
you satisfied outweigh the drawback of a low
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
The usual preposition for "perspective" is "from" not "in." "from a long-term perspective".
in a long-term perspective
.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
is more beneficial than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
happy and motivated.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Everyone should start eating vegetarian because it helps improve health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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