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Everyone has a goal to fulfill. What’s your goal and explain why you want tofulfill this goal. Please include specific examples and details in yourexplanation. v.2

Everyone has a goal to fulfill. What’s your goal and explain why you want tofulfill this goal. Please include specific examples and details in yourexplanation. v. 2
It is true that the computer is necessary in modern society and the children’s using time on the computer are more and more rising. Some assert that children have accessed on a computer every day and it will have negative effects. Some oppose this however, believing that negative effects are can controlled by parents and it is over more good than harm. I also believe the benefits of a computer. First of all, the computer is the one of the efficient ways to educate for children, because the images and videos can make help to understand easily. In addition, children can get the feedback immediately anytime through the development of technology. In modern society, the education is the one of the major issues, and many countries also are considering the importance of the education contents. The major companies, such as ‘Google’ and ‘Apple’, are investing to make contents for kids, and the education industry is developing fast. It is clear that the computer is the useful method to educate children. On top of that, these days, the learning the computer skills are the necessary. Those are connected to numerous part of technologies. So children start learning from early and they think the computer is a one of normal device such as a television. The computer has been one part of their life. That is why children learn the computer skill easily. For example, in Korea, children use the computer coding program and make some devices. In the past it was not impossible because children of that period were not friendly with the computer. In conclusion, although the computer abuse has many negative effects, the positive impact also huge. I believe that parents can control the using way and time of computer for their children, and it will give a chance to children to get huge benefits from the computer.
It is true that the computer is necessary in modern society and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
using time on the computer are more and more rising.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have accessed on a computer every day and it will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
oppose this
however
, believing that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects are
Consider using a past participle here: "canned".
can
Did you mean "control" or "be controlled"?
controlled
by parents and it is over more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
than harm. I
also
believe the benefits of a computer.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the computer is the one of the efficient ways to educate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the images and videos can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to understand
easily
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the feedback immediately anytime through the development of technology. In modern society, the education is the one of the major issues, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
also
are considering the importance of the education contents. The major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, such as ‘Google’ and ‘Apple’, are investing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
contents for kids, and the education industry is developing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the computer is the useful method to educate children.

On top of that
, these days, the learning the computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are the necessary. Those
are connected
to numerous part of technologies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
early and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the computer is a one of normal device such as a television. The computer has been one part of their life.
That is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn the computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
easily
.
For example
, in Korea,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the computer coding program and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
devices. In the past it was not impossible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of that period were not friendly with the computer.

In conclusion
, although the computer abuse has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact
also
huge. I believe that parents can control the using way and time of computer for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and it will give a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
huge benefits from the computer.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Everyone has a goal to fulfill. What’s your goal and explain why you want tofulfill this goal. Please include specific examples and details in yourexplanation. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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