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Establishing good relationships in the workplace is not important, as the primary goal of every person is to focus on work. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.2

Establishing good relationships in the workplace is not important, as the primary goal of every person is to focus on work. v. 2
It is highly thought that focusing on your goals at work is the most important task and that relationships between workers are less relevant. From my point of view, I certainly disagree. I believe that friendly atmospheres at working places improve the conditions that allow workers meet their goals. In this essay I will give some examples. When you feel confident to talk with your colleagues you can solve issues extremely faster, if you talk with your coworker often you can identify what their abilities are and additionally it will be easier to ask for help. For example, in my previous work I knew who was good at designing electrical schematics and who was the expert at programming industrial controllers so this let me reach them accordingly to their expertises when I was a new entry. This allowed me to finish my activities in less time and study some other topics for work. Furthermore, when good communication exists obstacles can be prevented. Sometimes people don not talk about their error committed because they don not want to let others know their faults. If you feel confident to inform issues before they become bigger, you will prevent catastrophic events. For example, one current colleague mistakenly installed a different device at a manufacturing plant which eventually was going to damage the whole system an generate big losses of money. He realized about this some days after it and he decided to talk with his boss who supported him to correct the mistake in a faster way. To summarize, I think that the goals at workplaces are not the primary thing you have to pay attention at. When you are in a good environment you are more prone to succeed with your activities.
It is
highly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that focusing on your goals at work is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
task and that relationships between workers are less relevant. From my point of view, I
certainly
disagree. I believe that friendly atmospheres at working places
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the conditions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their goals. In this essay I will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples.

When you feel confident to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talk
with your colleagues you can solve issues
extremely
faster, if you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talk
with your coworker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
you can identify what their abilities are and
additionally
it will be easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
For example
, in my previous work I knew who was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at designing electrical schematics and who was the expert at programming industrial controllers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me reach them
accordingly
to their expertises when I was a new entry. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
me to finish my activities in less time and study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other topics for work.

Furthermore
, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
communication exists obstacles can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Did you mean "do not"?
don not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talk
about their error committed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
Did you mean "do not"?
don not
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
others know their faults. If you feel confident to inform issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they become bigger, you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
catastrophic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
For example
, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
colleague
mistakenly
installed a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
device at a manufacturing plant which
eventually
was going to damage the whole system
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
generate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
losses of money. He realized about this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
days after
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
he decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talk
with his boss who supported him to correct the mistake in a faster way.

To summarize
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the goals at workplaces are not the primary thing you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay attention at.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
you are in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
environment you are more prone to succeed with your activities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Establishing good relationships in the workplace is not important, as the primary goal of every person is to focus on work. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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