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Entertainment such as electronic games on portal devices is harmful for individuals and the society they live in. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Entertainment such as electronic games on portal devices is harmful for individuals and the society they live in. v. 2
It is apparent that categories of virtual entertainment like electronic games on portal devices become more ubiquitous. Meanwhile, some people think that these recreational types have been blemished for both individuals and the society they live in. While there are some disadvantages related to electronic entertainment, I believe that it brings us many benefits through portal devices. On the one hand, it is clear that our society had to witness negative impacts associated with digital games. Firstly, we can not be ignored that digital games make us more prone to some physical problems. Children who are addicted to computer games instead of participating in outdoor activities possibly cope with obesity and even immunodeficiency. Secondly, if family members who spend too much time on portal devices, they can soar generation gaps unconsciously. In many modern families, we can easily see children glued their eyes on technological devices, that seems too attractive to spend time on real interactions. Consequently, advances in technology are bringing about the downfall of communication between people. On the other hand, enjoying electronic games, nevertheless, receive world-wide agreements thanks to their benefits. From an economic perspective, governments gradually agree that digital entertainment is an integral sector of economy which is named E-sports. We nowadays easily immerse in a virtual arena like world-class competitions such as League of Legends, in which competitors have to meet both computer skills and physically healthy conditions. League of Legends recently has been organised many continent-wide competitions which help host countries enhance their public image and gain more revenue. Furthermore, from the viewpoint of companies which are reliant on technological products, it is really a good opportunity to expand their businesses if products being operated on the base of portal instruments become more popular. In conclusion, while I agree that both individuals and the society have to deal with some problems derived from electronic entertainment, this is by no means that they have no benefits for community.
It is apparent that categories of virtual entertainment like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on portal devices become more ubiquitous. Meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these recreational types have
been blemished
for both individuals and the society they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
entertainment, I believe that it brings us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits through portal devices.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that our society had to witness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts associated with digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Firstly
, we can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
that digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us more prone to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical problems. Children who
are addicted
to computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of participating in outdoor activities
possibly
cope with obesity and even immunodeficiency.
Secondly
, if family members who spend too much time on portal devices, they can soar generation gaps
unconsciously
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern families, we can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
children glued their eyes on technological devices, that seems too attractive to spend time on real interactions.
Consequently
, advances in technology are bringing about the downfall of communication between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
nevertheless
, receive world-wide agreements thanks to their benefits. From an economic perspective,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that digital entertainment is an integral sector of economy which
is named
E-sports. We nowadays
easily
immerse in a virtual arena like world-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
competitions such as League of Legends, in which competitors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
both computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
physically
healthy conditions. League of Legends recently has been
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
continent-wide competitions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
host countries enhance their public image and gain more revenue.
Furthermore
, from the viewpoint of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which are reliant on technological products, it is
really
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to expand their businesses if products
being operated
on the base of portal instruments become more popular.

In conclusion
, while I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that both individuals and the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems derived from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
entertainment, this is by no means that they have no benefits for community.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Entertainment such as electronic games on portal devices is harmful for individuals and the society they live in. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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